Review; My Fingers vs. Your Fingers

Let’s talk chew toys for a minute. There are so many on the market, but there’s something to be said for tradition. I’m not going to go into depth right now about all the virtues of natural products compared to synthetic, that’s a big debate on it’s own. Let’s just talk instead about the oldest and best of all chew toys:  Fingers.

Fingers have a lot of benefits.

  • Portable
  • Available
  • Washable
  • Chewy on the outside
  • Crunchy on the inside
  • Often salty
  • Warm
  • And perpetually on hand… heh heh, on hand, get it?

So let’s compare the different fingers available.

My fingers:

  1. Most available/conveniently located
  2. Best-fit sizing
  3. Less hazardous nail situation
  4. Softest

Your fingers:

  1. Indestructible, chomp as I may
  2. More texture
  3. Totally painless
  4. More social

Plastic hands (pictured below):

  1. Noisy
  2. Crunchy
  3. Easily forgotten at home
  4. Sharper edges
  5. Slippery when wet

So for tops in convenience, I’d say gobble your own digits. For durability and comfort, however, there’s just no choice like someone else’s fingers. Fortunately, this isn’t an either/or choice. My best and final advice is to keep your options open.

Plastic hands? Oh no, none for me thanks. Between the noise and the inconvenience, this really ain’t the way to go.


Force Field Protects Local Homes

Technology is making huge strides every day. Yes folks, even today. For as we speak local homes around this great earth of ours are now under the protection of invisible force fields.

Rimmed by wood, steel or vinyl, these remarkable banners keep weather and errant birds out, while keeping heat and curious babies in. Truly remarkable! They even bang when knocked upon. Consequently, this is also true of banging with the head, a hard-learned lesson I must confess.

No more homes of nothing but walls. Toss aside your dream home plans for a house of nothing but doors. If you were considering only floors and ceilings, get help. Windows, my friend, this is the wave of the future, I declare. You can look right out whenever you like, affix stylish and closeable blinds for privacy, and even have your own source of free lighting and also heating (though typically when you need it least).

Windows. It’s good because it’s glass, it’s good because it’s a window…


Mouth Popping Craft Mastered

First, let me flex my modesty by saying that I didn’t write the headline. I’ve learned to make popping noises, true, but I’m by no means a master. The headline was written by my assistant, and you know how full-sized people have a penchant for the dramatic.

 I’ve got the pop down pat and am working well on the bee-D/bee-D, and will soon begin studying the water-drip, bip, click and “MHOP!”… That last one is a tricky onomatopoeia, but I hope that you , unlike spell check, can catch my meaning.

I’ve been studying under master MouthNoiseSmith, uncle Paul. Man that guy is good. You know your mentor has his craft down when he can perform the entire theme to the Lone Ranger in B-Major, complete with sound effects, in under a minute.

For now, practice continues. At random times, and seemingly without warning, I start my pop-, pop-, popping away. Again I assert I am far from a master, but the reactions I get from onethlings* tells me I’m doing something right.

Then it occurs to me how sad a day it is for the news industry that THIS made front page… and I apologize.

* Onethling; term used to describe a person one/oneth the size of a normal human being.

I Know I’m God’s Gift to Women, But Is the Bag Necessary?

Well hello there, I am a Capricorn… are you here WITH someone?

I’ve said before I’m a fan of the ladies, and wherever I go, ladies are a fan of mine. Critics argue it’s because all eighthlings are inherently cute, other say it’s because they may want a journalist of their own, while still others sarcastically suggest it’s due to my wild and outrageous fame. Incidentally, the sarcasm is not appreciated, but that’s hardly my point.

Everyone has a purpose in life. For a time I thought I was an airplane, but I see now how ridiculous that was. Sorry, bad reporting on my part. Though I’m quite skilled at bringing you the news, I know now that my true calling is as God’s gift to women. But really, is the gift bag necessary?

Couldn’t you just slap a shiny bow on my head and call it good enough? Maybe a card reading, “Dear ladies, you’re welcome, love God.”

Absurdly, it’s even gotten to the point where others are trying to wiggle in on my action. As you can see below, my brother tried to join me in the bag, as if to suggest it was a package deal of sorts. Yeah, he’s a handsome fellow for sure, and he digs girls as much as the next man his age, but get your own calling in life, man. There was only one Don Juan, and sadly, he was fictitious. Once you get into multiples, you become a Musketeer.

With all that said, I hasten to point out that I am still single. My recent crush was not shared, so I’m back on the market. All takers are advised to take a number because this is one little dance card that is filling fast.

Much love, peace out.

Review; Family Walking Tutors Quite Good

In an effort to bring you the most balanced news possible, I often do things that do not interest me. Walking is no exception. I’ve been pretty happy with my crawl so far. Gets me where I’m going for sure, good exercise and plenty efficient for my needs.

I know in most every family there are walking tutors. People who are really good at it who have been practicing for like a million years. This walking thing seems pretty popular, so, okay sure, I decided I’d check it out.

First thing to not, is that it’s really hard. Do you have any idea how much your head weighs? Sure, it’s a hanful of pounds, which may not sound like much, but as a percentage of your total body weight, it’s reallly a bit out of hand. Also, when you’re a career crawler like myself, the balance thing of going from all fours to just twos? Well, it’s tricky. There’s a knack to it, and I ain’t got it yet.

My overall review is favorable. Good fitness, good practicality if you can get it down. Good stuff all around. Biggest factor to remember though is a lot of tutors don’t feel complete without the illusion that they are helping people out, even in some small way.

For usefulness, it scores a rare “A”. Value, it gets an “A+”.


Plastic Muncher Gets Free Will

Free will is hard to express without mobility. As you know I went through a very traumatic experience at the hospital last December that left me frail and weak for many months. Now that I’m mobile I’m free to do as I please.

Free will means different things to different people. For some it’s marring an unlikely love, joining the army, or choosing not to take up the family business… for me it’s eating plastic.

Ah sweet, gentle, heavenly plastic. Gods own synthetic. The woo-some serenade to my gums. The alluring mistress I crave like no other. My tropical mouth begs for little else save the squeak, crunch and crinkle of petroleum thusly processed, homogenized to tantalizing perfection. Why must you torment me so?

In the past when it was taken away from me, I’d forget about it, both because immobility prevented my pursuit, but also because I’d genuinely forget. Now I’ve got my crawl and I’ve got my free will. What can stop me?

I try to eat the plastic and my handlers take it away. I try again, and again I am thwarted. The matter requires a new strategy, so I undertake reinvention. Persistence is just not enough. I need more. Step two? I switched to my non-dominant hand and turned my head. That’s right, I hid it, but they were already onto my game. My clever plot was not enough.

Tomorrow I’ll try again. Phone cords, shopping bags, fake trees, it doesn’t matter to me. This war is on, and with my free will, I am ready for it.

Media Trend; Strap-On Journalism

TV’s trend is reality programming, radio likes shock, and now print journalism has it’s newest trend, the Strap-On Journalist.

Many reporters will tell you the hassle of covering a story when you’re pre-occupied with trivialities such as trying to stand erect and not get trampled. By being strapped to a bigger person, ala Master-Blaster of Beyond Thunder Dome fame. It’s very convenient, really. Big person does all the walking and navigating, news baby is free to observe, note and report. Works slick as vinyl, I must say.

Pictured here is me, demonstrating the strap-on journalism approach during an M’s game in which I’m told the Mariners won. Didn’t end up doing much reporting that day. Every time something newsworthy happened, everybody around us stood up. Also, I’m not really sure what the whole point of the game is, so I suppose I could have been better prepared. Besides, got kind of distracted by all the nice people who work there, one even brought me a complimentary Jaime Moyer collectible card to support the Gregory Fund. I don’t know how valuable it is, but I suspect the fact that I chewed it up may hurt the resale. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Aunt Tricia took me up to the team store to get a hat. Me and my host (pictured here as my courier,) toted me around to schmooze the people and get in some face time. Another huge benefit to being strapped on is how you can let go of work-a-day troubles like staying awake, which segues conveniently to my last point. Next thing I know I wake up and I’m back at home. Creepy, isn’t it? I don’t remember falling asleep, but I guess I did since I couldn’t find any head trauma to otherwise explain it. Since my host was on auto-pilot, upon slumber-nappage, I am automatically taken to the next destination on my daily roster.

Oh, and please don’t think that just because I’m a strap-on journalist, that I’m not all natural. I’m 100% factory, folks, no synthetics or artificial polymers of any kind.


Crush Probably Unreciprocated

Ever since I’ve known how to use my eyes to see I’ve been able to spot a girl a mile away*, and even before that my other senses were tuned. Pre-tuned from the factory, I guess you could say. Sure I’m a people watcher, but I have a real soft spot for the ladies, in addition to that other silly soft spot atop my noggin.

It’s not just any lady that does it for me either, oddly. I know I’ve still got a lot to learn, but from the very beginning it was only women of breeding age on down that did anything for me. Isn’t that weird? I’ve never taken a health of anatomy class, yet here I am, enraptured.

So here you can see me pictured with my precious princess. She never fails to light me up. Gentle, caring, employed, blonde, what more could a guy ask for? I don’t hide my emotions well, and I suspect my aides have tipped her off anyhow… besides, she’ll probably read this, but I don’t care. I have to tell her how I feel. No words I can speak can express my feelings.

Yes, I’ve been warned there’s no future in it. Some say she’s too old for me, that she’d want a more mature baby, someone who can offer her more commitment than I can. Others point to my income, education or diaper. But when Al Gore invented the Internet, I’m sure he had his share of naysayers as well. I’m a baby of vision, and these visions are sugar-plumb sweet.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m off to freshen up, fancy my hair and brush both of these teeth. I never know when I’ll get to see her next, and I will impress her when I do. Call me crazy if you want, but I’ve never had feelings this strong for a woman in my life, not like this anyhow.

* Weather & atmospheric conditions permitting.

Skin Lotion a Total Scam

You’ve seen the ads. Product after product offering to moisturize, restore and rejuvinate. All these creams gels and lotions make these comical claims to actually give you soft skin. To that I say, pish tosh! (In part I say it because it’s a rip-off, in part because the very sounds of pish and tosh together make me giggle a little.)

Do people really buy this stuff? And if so, I gotta ask them why. Can there really be a need for it? My whole life I’ve gone without the use of these products, and still my skin remains baby soft.

Everyone else warns you to steer clear of products that make wild and unbelievable claims. I warn you against products that offer you something you don’t even need, and can’t really use. Such as;

  1. Floss. Do you really have enough teeth to justify it?
  2. Extra Headroom/Legroom. Most cars are already the size of an apartment.
  3. Beard Shears. They say it’s for hair on the face, and I say, “huh?”
  4. Food Processor. Come on, haven’t you already learned your lesson from the Mr. Sammich you bought?


Being ‘on grass’ Disappointing

People speak in ambiguous terms of the high virtues of grass. Always the curious baby, I decided to give it a whirl as soon as the opportunity presented itself.

True to it’s reputation, it was a different experience. Being on grass for a while did make me sleepy, as it also made me giggle. Perhaps it was all the exertion, but I also built up a pretty good case of the munchies, and went straight for the bottle when we got back in the car.

Overall though, I have to say it wasn’t what I expected. I didn’t have an increased desire to watch Scooby Doo or play Stairway to Heaven. I didn’t come to any meaningful revelations, nor feel a great connection with my brother man, nor end up playing X-Box for hours on end. Moreover, I think I got grass stains on my pants.

The quite and I sare say weak moral of the story is to be careful what actions you take when there are eighthlings or otherwise impressionable people around. Whether it be crime, drugs, immoral behavior, organ trafficking or whatever it is you are into. You know what things little ones should not be exposed to, and you need to know that no matter what you say, ultimately, you will lead your children by example.