Simply Can’t ‘Walk Towards the Light’

I’ve heard so many references, both in comedy and drama, about not walking “towards the light”, but I’ve also been told over and over not to goof around with the stereo buttons, and when I do it’s always very rewarding.

So close I can almost masticate the light.
So close I can almost masticate the light.

I know, technically, I’m not yet walking, but I figured the principal would apply whether it was fool on walking or even a more general “going”. It’s like the whole running with scissors commandment that applies to me even though I’m only crawling. Do you think they’d let me wiggle across the floor with scissors? Afraid not, though I’ve heard good things about that too.

So when the white blinding light shone through the office door I began myself a most insidious plot. I waited until no one (but my trusty photographer) was looking and made my antsy move. My crawl speed has really picked up over the past months, so getting under way was easy. It wasn’t until I approached the light that all my planning was laid to waste.

So there I was, quite near to my goal by all accounts when the force field that protects the office stopped me in my tracks. Now that about the most exasperating plan thwart in the history of thwarting plans. Trying to move ahead but finding an invisible barricade in my way was unexpected. How cunning my opposition clearly was. I would have to go to plan B.

Plan B of course called for me to bang on the window and slap it with my open hand. Regrettably, no dice.

What could be so bad about the light? So infamous, so pretty, so tantalizing. Once again I’m bound by the rules of a conventions I may never understand. I obey all the laws I know, including gravity which I really don’t know all that well. This one I’ve never even seen in writing, yet it binds me.

Maybe I will have to resort to just buying some of the light off the internet. I’m sure I can find it there and have it shipped overnight.


Ice Age Warning Issued

Earlier today reliable sources reported in shallow depth a general notice of “Ice Age around 4:00pm.” This is of course most shocking news that everyone needs to be aware of. So, naturally before warning any of you, I prepared for the worst myself.

Just about ready now.
Just about ready now.

All snug as a bug, I’m ready to help you prepare yourself for a disaster such as this.

  • Start with a good umbrella. Something really storm-worthy. I stress tested my umbrella under intense conditions of slapping, yanking and shoving. To verify it’s strength in moist conditions I also gave the corner a good chew. Happily, it passed with flying color.*
  • Rugged goulashes (gollashes? How ya spell that?). The bigger the better, really. Mine are so big I can’t stay in them. They are resistant to both water and attack from ferocious polar-biting creatures. Again, I personally tested the strength by trying to chew through them while my brother was wearing them.
  • A warm yet stylish noggin-cozy. It’s important to maintain body heat in order to survive, and if you don’t look good doing it, well, can that really be counted as survival?
  • Food stuffs. I chose to take along with me a half-eaten banana. Some say go with canned goods, but those are physically impossible to open and cereal gets soggy. I mean, if not half a banana why not a frozen burrito, that goes well with ice, right? Remember, bananas are gracious companions to freezing as evidenced by their perpetual presence in sundaes.

Fortunately, I had my half a snack and looked like a porcelain sherpa when 4:00 rolled around. Call me naïve but even like a half hour into the movie I still didn’t quite understand that the greatest ice age in a million years came on VHS. Did I miss something?

* Black is a color, right? I mean, I know it’s technically the absence of color, what did they use to make it black, “Absence Of” brand dye?

Miracle Growth Cream Hokey, Miraculous

Blast these slick door to door salesmen with their mesmerizing sales pitches. I love a good pitch as much as the next kid, but this smooth talked was simply hypnotically convincing. story103

These dapper dressing, sweet smelling salesmen are all the same. They find your weakness, show you their miracle lotion, potion, cream or jelly, then volunteer it to cure your every ailment, hunger or stain. Plus, they’re rather charming on the whole.

He came to our office and without even asking what we needed, he was able to identify that I struggle with challenges of a vertical nature. Did I tell you this guy was good or what? “Okay,” I thought, “let’s see what you’ve got.”

He rubbed just a dab (that’s all you need,) on my hand as a gracious free sample. That’s when the miracle began. He lifted me up to the mirror and just as promised, we were both at eye level. Then he took the photo you see here, and clearly I’m gigantic. Goliath really, simply colossal. Bigger than I’d ever been before in my life*.

As he explained, this cream, applied daily, would have me grown to full height in a mere 15-20 years. Regularly priced at $60 a month, he offered it to us for only $60 a year. That’s a savings of over X percent! It was beyond budget and he said he could tell I was an honest guy, plus he said we were friends, so he offered me a special $60 lifetime supply tube.

This was still beyond fiscal means, so he generously offered it for only $20, even though he said his boss would chew him out for it later. He said he could tell I was a really good candidate for it, plus witty and good looking too.

Sadly, all my money is locked up in my education fund, except for my first dollar I got from cousin Angela***. To my unprecedented chagrin, I had no room left to bargain.

I resigned to navigating God’s lethargic course of natural growth. Disheartened, he headed out. Our friendship was clearly in tatters and he asked if we could spare him bus fare. As the door closed behind him we offered him a fond farewell and a resounding “no.”

* This claim has been verified by an independent third party.
** Though X typically represents a variable, this savings can actually be calculated, but only by the most complex of mathematics.
*** Dad gave her the first dollar she ever had, this was her way of saying thanks. It’s weird, I know.

Meteorologism Tongue Twister, Mind Boggler

Brendan Alexander, meteorologist* extraordinaire (in training) here, ready to bring you my world debut weather report. I’m here, live, on location, outdoors.

Here I am, investigating the weather... not understanding how it is people make conversation about it.
Here I am, investigating the weather… not understanding how it is people make conversation about it.

As you can see the weather has grown icky, as such jackets are strongly recommended. Preferably ones with hoods and sewn in mittens, but if you don’t have access to these, anything with a bear or arctic animal should suffice.

There’s a dark front moving in from the east which is going to drive overnight temperatures lower, perhaps into the mid-chilly range, topping out this evening only around brisk. Expect wind gusts in the smile to mid giggles all the way up to squint. Fifty percent chance of precipitation, but no guarantees, since the word itself and entire concept are still beyond my grasp.

Don’t worry though, there’s a light front moving in as well which should be in full effect around mid-morning. This will warm and lighten things for tomorrow. Throughout the week you can expect more of the same.

* As a meteorologist I study weather, not meteors, okay?

Editors Note; Please bear in mind that this was my first attempt at predicting the weather. I am sad to say that I was inaccurate**. The dark front never did move in. I even sat in the car waiting, as you can see in the second photo, where I didn’t personally witness any darkness. Whenever I looked around all I saw was light. Unless I somehow slept through the entire dark pattern, it didn’t happen. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

** Inaccurate is what news people call it when they are wrong.


Delectable Baby Stew

Always eager to try out any sort of new edible, I gleefully took on this assignment. It wasn’t until it was well underway that I understood the gravity of my mistake.

Um, hang tight a second while I go have a chat with my agent.
Um, hang tight a second while I go have a chat with my agent.

Silly me to think that “Baby Stu” was a clever name for a recipe named after the infant culinist who conceived it. A catchy gimmick name for a subtle variation on an old classic. Oh no, not the case at all.

Quickly I learned from my simmering pan that this was more of a Mike Meyers “Get in my belly” ala Austin Powers fame, rather than a legitimate, legal dish. Warming on the stove top with oregano in my hair and apples at my feet, I began having flash forwards to Hansel and Grettle’s little misunderstanding with the kindly old gingerbread witch. I say flash forward of course because I’m not yet familiar with the story.

The review will now conclude, as did my experience; rather abruptly. As hastily as I’m about to end this piece, I fled from the pan to the cozy reprieve of my room. I told the chef I just wasn’t juicy enough to be a meal, though I feel free to be more honest with you. In confidence, I’m sure I’m plenty a succulent morsel for an entrée, I just wasn’t quite okay with that sort of experience.

In the future I recommend we all read the fine print a little more closely.

Designer Pillows Making Head Lines

I awoke from a most splendid nap today, when what should I find but a handsome line across my head. I was told these new pillows were up to the challenge, but I clearly had no idea.

Freshly awoken, please take note of the stylish line across my head. Below you can see how tired I really am.
Freshly awoken, please take note of the stylish line across my head. Below you can see how tired I really am.

As a trend following baby on the go, I like to stay on the following edge of fashion, home and living trends. The cutting edge is just too spendy for a baby of my means, and then you’re still prone to far too many of those “what the heck was I thinking?” photos as fashion trends evolve. I’ve seen pictures from the hippy 60’s, the disco 70’s, glamour 80’s and grunge 90’s. What were you people thinking? Fortunately, I’m proud to be a child of the otts*.

Man oh man, do I ever digress. So my new pillow/case combination, I was warned, would make headlines, and what a double entendre we have indeed. I was skeptical of course, since at my age I’ve seen a good many trends come and go**. My skepticism was soon bought outright with a renewed faith in the value of comments made in passing.

Apparently in my slumberous thrashing I managed to wiggle the case around sideways to rest a seam across my entire head. Snoozing Brendan had no idea what a treat was in store for waking Brendan. A fresh and lingering stripe across my head was my reward.

As a hand-me-down I’m hard pressed to guess the fair value of this new luxury, but it is a swell deal at twice the price. Perplexing marketing is already hard at work trying to patent the facial seam, as well as a line of pillows with patterns, zippers and heat and moisture-set dyes. Hopefully we can get these to market in time for Christmas, though we’re hung up with the patent office who are pretending that pillows have always had seams. I’m undeterred, dear friends. Wish me wealth, this could be the next big thing.

* – “Otts” means 00’s, right?
** – Well, maybe I’ve seen internet trends come and go, they pass pretty quickly you must admit.

Higher Education Out of Reach

Let’s put our differences aside for a minute and consider all people equal regardless of age, profession, religion, income and yes, even height. 

Reach as I may, there just is no way to get to my goal.
Reach as I may, there just is no way to get to my goal.

There was a time when if I wanted a book, I just got one. I could look at it, pen it, chew on the material, whatever. It didn’t matter. As my interest in books widened the restrictions on having them tightened.

I began to doubt the credibility of my “benevolent” rulers. I warned the regime that if my inalienable right to have access to books of my choice wasn’t restored, I would resist and expose them. Needless to say, they did not meet my demands, so I had no choice but to pick up the pen. Sure, they took the pen away from me too, something about a choking hazard, so now I type my tale. I will not allow these deeds to slip by without notice.

book-tall-brightWhat sort of conspiracy is it when they will read bookshelf-tallshort, pretty books to me only, but not hundred year old antique volumes of Goethe in their original Old German? They won’t let me bite or mangle the complete set of original encyclopedias from 1897. Even the illustrated Kama Whatever-it’s-called is kept out of reach. And that one claims to have lots of pictures. What’s up with that?

While education is generally covered under our employee compensation plan, higher education remains metaphorically as well as literally out of reach. Racism, classism, and even toddlerism. These things are not my concern today. As long as top-shelf education remains above the three foot mark, we can’t pretend to have equality and we cannot pretend to have freedom.

Drinking and Driving Overrated

You’ve seen the commercials, heard the ads, maybe even tried it yourself. What’s behind this craze? Going against the grain, I decided to root my way to the bottom of it personally.

First thing to keep in mind is that it’s totally illegal. For me that made it just that much more appealing. I was in a closed area with a specially modified car and safety personnel close on hand. If you are a licensed driver on open roads, well that’s just stupid. Trouble and danger await you. If my hack cameraman can catch me swigging my bottle in the mirror alone, think how obvious it must be to a trained policeman.

The next thing is, drinking is really a two-handed operation. How can you keep any appendage on the wheel? Exactly, you can’t. So stop trying.

Then you’ve got visibility issues. One reason people drink and drive is because they can’t look past the bottle. I concur! Couldn’t see anything past it, the thing takes up much of my field of vision and the tipping makes it even worse. That’s no good for safety.

The big thing though is the impairment factor. While drinking I couldn’t operate even my highly modified car’s wheel or buttons, let alone the array of levers and knobs I may never comprehend. Couldn’t even keep my head on straight enough to try. Eventually nothing else mattered and I fell over backwards, still content with my drinking, oblivious to everything else. Finally, without even shutting it off, I stopped and went away. Good times in the testing lab, bad times for the road.

Multi-tasking is all well and good, but learn from my mistakes. If you can’t put down the bottle, call a cab. Even if you don’t call it a cab, call anyhow. Think about the children.


Technical Problemos El Resolved-o

After days of chaos stemming from a haphazard coffee-in-the-laptop incident, it seems things are finally under control. At least by our standards of control, so don’t get too excited.

After a much needed two day sabbatical the laptop awoke with a new anti-vigor and reluctance, but by God, she started. Staff engineers were able to get all the necessary data out of her pretty hazelnut-creamer-smelling* chassis so we can get back to what we do best.

Of course, before doing any of what we do well, we had to procure some new equipment. A PC ain’t exactly in ready supply, when it comes to the budget we have to work with. Fortunately, a dear friend was able to loan us a wonderful, though dated machine. Dated is no problem around here, you should have seen the miserable rattletrap we were processing on before.

So we now have rescued and backed up all the photos, articles, headlines and an entire copy of the site, just for good measure. If you’d like to be part of our network processing data recovery system, I’d love to have your help. All we require you to do is select an article and read it over and over until you have it memorized. Then, in the event of data loss, you can recite it for us over the telephone.

In the future we plan not to have this sort of down-and-out time again. We also plan to insure that editors, coffee, and coffee-sensitive equipment do not co-hangout in the same room. Establishing a bit of a clean room for the computer, as it were.

* Smells better in coffee than roasting on a CPU. Perhaps it’s a matter of taste.


Brother Total Jet Set Showoff

There he is, smug with his stylish shades and state of the art cell phone. Being older, more educated, wider-traveled, and generally louder makes him just about the perfect booking agent.

Would you want a timid, soft spoken, and modest agent to book you into large venue, high-income public speaking* gigs? No way. He’s brash and prone to temper tantrums. Someone lowballs us an offer, he doesn’t just say “no,” he says it ten to twenty times up to a reverberating crescendo. Inspiring, kind of.

Though he has no real experience in booking, journalism, business, negotiation, PR or communication, I’m at ease knowing he’s manning the Nokia. I asked permission to publish his number, he agreed and gave it to me. His 24-hour cell phone number is (123) 456-7,8,11,12, 9… seems kind of long to me, but he’s older and more knowledgeable so I know better than to question the wisdom of his ages.

The best part is, he’s family. So, if he does a bad job or tries to pull the wool over on me, he’ll be grounded and sent to bed without dinner. How golden is that? His email won’t be setup until he’s 18, so in the meantime, send all inquiries to me. I’ll make sure he gets it.

* Speaking or babbling. Pays about the same.