Making Time to Stop and Eat the Roses

Life can be hectic and mine is no exception. From busy deadlines to my private lessons there is so much I have to get done in the day and sometimes there doesn’t seem to be enough hours for all of it, but still I make time to stop and eat the roses.

It’s important to balance out your day to find harmony. All work and no play will make any Brendan a dull boy. All play and no work and I won’t have any money for college. If I don’t have appropriate levels of eating and sleeping I’ll get very grouchy. Are you starting to get the picture?

During my whirlwind three-city world tour the pace has been hectic. I’ve had so much to get done and it’s no easy task. When it gets to be too much and I just need to unwind I take a moment out and find a patch of grass just to be a kid again.

By taking this time I’ve been able to learn many things. I learned that not all roses are red, some have no thorns and it’s never okay with big people if you put them in your mouth. Perhaps I’m lumping severl flowers together but the point is still there. I already knew they were pretty and nice-smelling but the refresher course is always still a welcome matter on the docket.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to try to crawl around a corner where they can’t see me to try another nibble. anything this forbidden has got to be great.

 

Can Follow Simple Commands, Doesn’t Mean I Wil

There comes a time in every man’s life when he can finally understand the orders he is given. I have reached that point, but bear in mind that understanding and obeying are two very different things.

When I was younger and still or naïve to the world people would tell me to do things and it was just “blah, blah, blah,” and usually it still is whether I understand them or not. I say “usually” because I have since learned ways to figure out a lot of what you people are driving at.

I know when you’re telling me to get out of the garbage or put down the fine China. Telling me not to eat something or go grab my bottle are easy ones too. I know what you mean when you say “gimme kisses” or “lay back down,” but whether or not I agree that those are the best things to do, well I just can’t say.

Sometimes the so-called simple commands go against everything I know and believe. When you tell me not to put wire ends in my mouth I just can’t see your way. It’s not because I don’t feel like it, it’s just that every ounce of my being says it’s already the right thing to do.

I like my staff, I really do. I hope they don’t think I’m being a primadonna or arrogant because it’s not like that. When I want to brush my own teeth I will, but even Frank Sinatra did it My Way, and he was supposedly the “Chairman of the Board.”

When in doubt, feel free to ask. More often than not I can agree with your suggestion and will gladly comply. When I don’t comply, feel free to think whatever you’d like. Think I don’t understand, don’t care, or don’t like your tone of voice, whatever gets you through the night. I’ll just keep going about whatever it is I go about all day and humbly thank you for your kind suggestion.

Now, where them wire ends at?

 

Photographer Struggles with Zoom Feature

My hard-working staff of editor, photographers and writers are pretty awesome most of the time. They are dedicated, passionate, experienced and oftentimes completely incompetent.

I’m speaking specifically, of course, of my photographers. I’ve had to hold meetings about shots being over exposed, under exposed, blurry, grainy, over saturated, and often times just plain unnecessary. This latest mook up however, I really thought we were beyond.

All but the very cheapest of cameras have the ability to zoom in. As you probably know they also have the ability to zoom back out. Makes sense to me, zoom in and you have got to zoom back out at some point or else you’ve have Hubble grade telephoto within a matter of days. Unless you want to shoot my pores or dancing men on Mars it wouldn’t be much good. You know all this, so it’s review for you.

I also know this, so it’s review for me too, and I’m still in diapers. To my staff however, the very concept seems totally new and foreign.

They say “gimme a big smile,” and I do. You know like for publicity shots or something. I get my proofs back from the lab and I’m wondering how big of a smile they were going for. This is totally ridiculous. You can’t see anything of value zoomed in that close.

Even though we’ve had a meeting about this I feel it’s imperative to state it again. Zoom out you people. Step back if you must but please do something about this. I know you’re reading this articles since all staff members are required to read and thoroughly enjoy every article published. Zoomhttp://www.perplexingtimes.com/article.php?sid=147 out, okay?

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Internet.

 

Incredible Growing Man Ready For Bed

You remember that old movie dont you, the one about the man who grew incredibly? I dont of course, but Ive heard a summary of the Cliffs Notes of the review, so I guess you could say Im pretty much an expert on it.

To verify this, we went undercover in Shanghai, one of the largest cities in the world. Posing as a father with a white baby, me and Dad hit the streets. We were worried that no one would believe I was a baby, but the people played right into it.

Most Chinese have seen some white people, with as much as half a percent white population in major cities. What they haven’t seen is a white baby, since there’s fewer than a couple hundred in circulation at any given time. Compare that to the 2 billion Asians they see and you’ll start to fathom my rarity.

The locals ate me up like the baby tiger exhibit at the zoo. Everyone wants to oogle me, more than usual even. Many want their picture taken with me. What can I say, like David Hasslehoff, I’m a lot bigger in Asia.

Then the bidding started. I have to say I expected more. There’s always been so much talk about how valuable I’d be on the black market, and with the attention I got I figured it would be promising, but it was lackluster at best. This market has really seen a downturn.

Bidding opened at 37 cents. Not a very impressive start. After ten minutes of haggling, squeezing the footies and seeing what a cheerful disposition I maintain, it only got up to two bucks and change. Two dollars for a boy this handsome? You must be mad! (I know I was.)

Not finding a suitable buyer we gave up and went home. Investors, my advice is to keep your money in stocks for now and wait until buying and selling babies becomes profitable again.

Above: Sorry folks, it’s going to take a little more aggressive bidding to move this product.

 

Guess I’m Dressed for All Weather

As a highly portable baby on the go I have to be ready for whatever the world can throw my way. A critical step of my preparation is dressing for anything.

Howdy.
Howdy.

Pictured at right is my all-weather attire. I’ve got gloves and a hat for chilly-willy weather, yet my whole outfit can still breathe more than anything you’d care to wear. Granted it’s still a bit much in warm weather and far too cold when the temps drop, but versatility comes at a price.

all-weather-tallFine fashions such as this are perfect for many things. If I want to go fishing with a sumo wrestler without getting anything on my hands, I’m set. If I want to be a classy butler for high-class domesticated monkeys, I’m ready for that too.

So now that I’ve got this all written out and thought about I guess it would be smarter to say I’m dressed for no weather. That’s okay too, it’s judgment lapses like this one that insure my swarm of personal attendants still have jobs.

Ultimately you’ll have to decide for yourself what sort of getup gets you up the best, but also remember it shouldn’t boil you nor make you a cute cubelet of chilly adorabasicle. Don’t mind me, can’t think straight right now. My head and hands are sweating like crazy and I’m shivering.

 

Chopsticks Assist Eating, Mischief

I’m always looking for better ways of eating and improved means of making a disaster. Chopsticks, it would seem, fit both bills swimmingly. story226

I discovered these new implements during my expedition to the ultra-Far-East. Asians have been using them for eating and mischief for many years now. One local account said, “since forever,” so I can only assume that means in excess of ten years. When I told them my assumption, they laughed. Unfortunately that neither confirms nor denies my theory.

Chopsticks are ruggedly built for delicate use. An odd paradox until you consider their purpose. As you know for eating food there is nothing more appropriate than your hands. The spoon would be a distant second followed closely by the spork. If you want to use chopsticks to eat you certainly can. It only takes many years of study or the spear method, also called the lance-and-gobble.

For table-side troublemaking chopsticks really frost the cake. They are much longer than sporks and always come in pairs. Since they are wooden instead of metal, the occasional head-bonk mishap is far less cryable. The added length comes in handy for knocking things over from greater distances and for flinging spicy noodles much farther than before.

But if you’re a true international man of mischief, you’ll really dig my favorite feature. Oh it’s just divine. Since Chinese restaurants never have highchairs, (the real Chinese restaurants, like as in the ones in China) you can easily reach up over your head and poke your spoon-feeder in the eye. Do it two-fisted if you so desire. Oh, it’s just great. Hot and sour gook all over them and everything. They seem to hate it even though it’s just hysterical.

For busy multi-taskers like me, this is just about the only way to go. Head down to your local Chinese Restaurant and give these chopsticks a spin, then plan on spear hunting some sweet and sour pork nuggets while eye-poking your food handlers. Really it’s a win-win all around.

 

Pre-Pre-Pre Drivers Ed Courses Helpful

Whether youre an aspiring car nut or just an automotive pre-enthusiast, you need to know what a car is and what makes it go vroom.

I discovered these new implements during my expedition to the ultra-Far-East. Asians have been using them for eating and mischief for many years now. One local account said, ¡°since forever,¡± so I can only assume that means in excess of ten years. When I told them my assumption, they laughed. Unfortunately that neither confirms nor denies my theory.

Chopsticks are ruggedly built for delicate use. An odd paradox until you consider their purpose. As you know for eating food there is nothing more appropriate than your hands. The spoon would be a distant second followed closely by the spork. If you want to use chopsticks to eat you certainly can. It only takes many years of study or the spear method, also called the lance-and-gobble.

For table-side troublemaking chopsticks really frost the cake. They are much longer than sporks and always come in pairs. Since they are wooden instead of metal, the occasional head-bonk mishap is far less cryable. The added length comes in handy for knocking things over from greater distances and for flinging spicy noodles much farther than before.

But if you¡¯re a true international man of mischief, you¡¯ll really dig my favorite feature. Oh it¡¯s just divine. Since Chinese restaurants never have highchairs, (the real Chinese restaurants, like as in the ones in China,) you can easily reach up over your head and poke your spoon-feeder in the eye. Do it two-fisted if you so desire. Oh, it¡¯s just great. Hot and sour gook all over them and everything. They seem to hate it even though it¡¯s just hysterical.

For busy multi-taskers like me, this is just about the only way to go. Head down to your local Chinese Restaurant and give these chopsticks a spin, then plan on spear hunting some sweet and sour pork nuggets while eye-poking your food handlers. Really it¡¯s a win-win all around.

 

Enthralled by Jade Temple, Plush Chicken-Frog

As my stay in Shanghai lengthens I¡¯m getting more chances to get out and experience the rich history and cultural attractions the central kingdom has to offer, but I¡¯m still a kid at heart. story225

The famous Jade Buddha Temple is a taste of old China nestled in the thick of downtown among skyscrapers and the shrill shriek of frantic taxicabs. It¡¯s a place of splendiferous beauty where monks and commoners can come to worship in serenity among frenzied tourists with Polaroid¡¯s a plenty.

As has been usual for my trip, I¡¯ve been more of an attraction to the locals than their places have been to me, but this place is really great. In addition to hundreds of masterfully crafted bits and boulders of jade are hundreds of red paper lanterns. I¡¯ve been wanting one of my own for as long as I can remember and the nice ladies here finally gave me one¡­ I promptly requested a second one, and they just laughed me off. Oh well.

The most enthralling thing I found in the whole temple though was my plush yellow chicken I brought from home. Aside from the freebie lantern I wasn¡¯t allowed to touch anything in there, as if I¡¯d break it or something. My chicken came with no such stipulation. Squeeze, poke, nibble, whatever. Chicken-frog was in it with me for keeps.

I say chicken-frog because my memory serves me that it was a yellow chicken, though the pictures say it¡¯s a green frog. I don¡¯t know which to believe, so I¡¯m just going to tape the two stories together. There, done, it¡¯s a chicken-frog.

As beautiful as it was and as much as I recommend it to everyone, I have to apologize for still being such a disinterested kid at heart. It¡¯s not my fault though. According to my doctor all my organs are of the kid variety. With mom, dad and father time as my witness, it¡¯s just who I am.

jade-temple-wide

Reading; It¡¯s All Chinese to Me

With all the hype going around about this literacy thing I¡¯ve heard so much about, I figured I¡¯d give it a whirl. Besides, illiteracy apparently looks bad on a newsman¡¯s resume. story223

So instead of just banging on the keys willy nilly and letting my speel chuck program determine both my spelling and my meaning, I figured I¡¯d start moving towards actually inputting my meaning directly.

On first impression it seemed very easy. The pictures are all very comely and much of the meaning can be derived from the bullet points, slogan quotes and diagrams. Upon further effort, however, it gets exponentially more difficult.

I¡¯m looking at the characters in these educational textbooks like Glamour and GQ, trying to figure out what the words say, and it all looks Chinese to me. Squares with squiggles, stick men with three arms and a funny hat, even off-count tic-tac-toes with odd borders. I can¡¯t make heads, tails or torso¡¯s out of one bit of it.

I¡¯d thought there were only 26 characters in our language. It¡¯s strange to me because there¡¯s so much more to it when it comes to these uppity publications that pander to the super-intelligent.

For now I¡¯m resigning myself to my old method of data entry, where I just go hog wild on the Qwerty and let Word pick up the pieces. And why not, that¡¯s what all the big papers do.

 

Reading; It’s All Chinese to Me

With all the hype going around about this literacy thing I’ve heard so much about I figured I’d give it a whirl. Besides, illiteracy apparently looks bad on a newsman’s résumé.

So instead of just banging on the keys willy-nilly and letting my spel chuck program determine both my speling and my meaning, I figured I’d start moving towards actually inputting my meaning directly.

On first impression it seemed very easy. The pictures are all very comely and much of the meaning can be derived from the bullet points, slogan quotes and diagrams. Upon further effort, however, it gets exponentially more difficult.

I’m looking at the characters in these educational textbooks like Glamour and GQ, trying to figure out what the words say, and it all looks Chinese to me. Squares with squiggles, stick men with three arms and a funny hat, even off-count tic-tac-toes with odd borders. I can’t make heads, tails or torsos out of one bit of it.

I’d thought there were only 26 characters in our language. It’s strange to me because there’s so much more to it when it comes to these uppity publications that pander to the super-intelligent.

For now I’m resigning myself to my old method of data entry, where I just go hog wild on the Qwerty and let Word pick up the pieces. And why not, that’s what all the big papers do.