Researchers are still trying to ascertain where it came from or what purpose it was originally meant to serve. Yet none of that means anything to me, I’ve got a great big cardboard box, can’t you see it?
The box serves many purposes for us men:
- Climb and hide inside. Don’t ask why, just do it.
- Flip it up and pile stuff into it. Toys, shoes, laundry, whatever. All of it fits just fine.
- Bang toys on the box. Want to irritate the elders with box-related noises? Go for it, the box is your opportunity. Pick your favorite toy and smack it all over it, preferably whilst a’ screaming.
But seriously folks, have you ever heard that ridiculous grunge-era song called “Man in the Box” by Alice in Chains? It’s dreadfully 1990’s, but fortunately, about all you can understand of it is the line about him being just that; a man in a box. Know what, as a man who’s been in a box, I feel his pain.
It is indeed fun and games, but there’s more to it than that, than just being a man in a box. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m ready to learn.
Here’s some possibilities I hope to explore when I’m older:
- Resorts. I’d love to open a chain of five-star hotels where weary travelers can hang out at affordable prices by trading-in their lush, private rooms for the comfort of a cardboard box with a cozy blanky. You never know, I could make a mint just by not offering a pillow on which to leave a mint, get it?
- Shipping. Again, I’m not totally sure what boxes are for, aside from my above listed uses, but I think the shipping industry could really find a benefit here, and I’m ready to find my fortune thusly. Complete with optional six pack of milk bottles or juice tippy cups, plus a handful of toys, you could easily ship any baby coast to coast or internationally. Good money in trafficking babies, or so I’ve read.
- Clothing. I know it’s a bit clunky and fairly plain, but with a brand name like “This End Up” how could I go wrong? Natural fibers are popular and I’m pretty sure that laminated wood pulp should count. Right?
- Prop miming. If you’ve ever seen a cut-rate mime, you know how painful it is to see some clown pretending he’s stuck in a box, when frankly, his tip hat will tell you, he can’t afford one. My business would be to make boxes affordable, even to lowly mimes. Imagine a world where mimes stay in cardboard boxes… Everybody wins.
- Low income housing for a homeless franchise. These panhandlers got themselves quite a racket. How can they afford a costly drug habit? It must pay really well, what how. It does, I’m sure, and most of them can’t even complete their signs adequately. As the unions move in and organize the trade, modest housing will become a necessity. I’m ready for it and plan to swoop in with dishwasher and refrigerator boxes designed for comfort and security. Again, I’ll undoubtedly be rich, rich, rich.
I know I sound like a 50s era newsreel for aluminum, but I really think cardboard is the material of the future. Sell your pork bellies and go heavy into boxes. How wrong can black market brown boxes of only right angles be?
Take it from us, the men in the box, this is the royal wave of the future. Despite the dookie, we ain’t earls, and even we can read the writing on the wall… It says “Fragile.”