On the 2nd Day of Birthday MissLissa Gave to Me

story180 2nd day of birthday MissLissaA goofy birthday hat for my head! Wow man, this birthday thing just keeps on getting better and better. Almost makes you wonder when it will end, but I dare not ask the question. No need to jinx the beauty.

So today I got a couple new experiences. One was the hat. What is this thing? How fun! It’s like goofy, cool, festive and felt all rolled into one. Did you know they made such things?

I think the birthday theme is running a bit dry for now, so I’ll spare you any further details until I write my year ending piece about it. It’s a fun holiday for sure, but today was nothing earth shattering.

Instead I’ll tell you of some new experiences I’ve had lately and show you a second picture of me in my cute-as-a-button hat.

Today, dad unplugged the laptop as he often does and put it away. While he was doing that I shimmied by him and grabbed the power cord. You know what I do with stuff, right? Yep, right in my mouth. YOWCH! That things electric! Only 19.4 volts at 2.4 amps, which I’m told is nothing dangerous, but my goodness, no fun at all. I understand it only takes him about 60 seconds to put the thing away and unplug the cable, but still. Sheesh, we need to find a workaround for this.

While you’d think I’d have learned my lesson, you’d be mistaken. As soon as the shock had subsided, I went after the USB cable that connects the camera to the computer. No shock, very dull. The question of why I stuck the first one in my mouth is clear, but the second cable? Even I don’t know the answer to that one.

More tomorrow, there’s some hooplah going down about some event to end the year. Who authorized the end of the year, anyhow?


On the First Day of Birthday the Waitress Gave to Me

Well, rumor has it some “birthday” event has come around for me. I’m not sure what it’s all about since I’m pretty sure I was already born, like a year ago, but whatever.

Does that make the event more of an anniversary? I’m not clear on how it works exactly. All that aside, one valuable lesson I learned from the recent Christmas season was that one need not understand an occasion to enjoy the benefits it brings.

So I’m not entirely sure when this birthday or anniversary thing is, but I can tell you that the festivities kicked off today. Much of my writing staff took me out to dinner. Someone snuck word to the waitress that it was my birthday, so she gave me two balloons with Oreo packs tied onto the bottom.

Then came dinner. I got a whole uncut pancake all to myself. They said it was in celebration of my growing independence and girth. They put the plate in front of me and let me dig in, only intervening when I tried picking the whole thing up at once.

Brother was insanely jealous of the balloons, cookies and overall attention, but that’s okay. I look forward to being jealous when it’s his turn. The best part is, I think there’s still more to this whole birthday thing. Can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.


Health Clubs Cross-Sell Supplements, Candy

It started with apparel and training and moved quickly to vitamins, supplements and tanning. The latest move by some health clubs to increase cross-selling has led to offering everything under the sun while you’re sweating to the oldies.

Why watch the evening news on the big screen when you can have a complete magazine rack and cashier right there at every treadmill? There’s nothing that will get your blood pumping quite like seeing Bat Boy in a love tryst with Elvis on the cover of Weekly World News. There’s very little that can motivate you to lose weight more than watching Oprah or Lisa Marie struggle with their weight on the cover of the National Enquirer, also while having a love tryst with Bat Boy.

I’m a card carrying member of a very progressive health club called Safeway, which also offers members a significant discount on their groceries. Instead of traditional weights they have bags of potatoes and rice that people can not only lift, but also purchase and consume.

Although they carry a wide selection of health foods and sporty drinks, I was surprised to see less traditional fitness goods like chocolate cake, beer, Twinkies and tobacco. Almost makes you wonder what kind of club it is. Wonder no more, because it’s a club that caters to the huge segment of the market that would rather eat frozen pizzas and play the lottery than workout. It seems there’s money in soliciting the majority.

Next time you’re at the gym walking a mile in your men’s shoes, look over to your side. Will you see Tic-Tacs, Hubba Bubba, AA Batteries and a TV Guide? If not, it may be time for a new gym. If it is, I recommend one like mine where cakes can be bought by the sheet, potato salad by the pound and fried chicken by the gross.


Eligible Bachelor Seeks Friendship, Maybe More

Single white male, highly eligible, 96 dog months of age, seeks fun, intelligent girl with strong communication skills and pretty hair.

I’m 2’5″ and athletic, though I am trying to trim down a bit. I’ve been told I have a baby face but that I wear it well. I have light brown hair, blue eyes, six teeth and gopher cheeks. My hair is what you might call thin or thinning, but I’m definitely not bald. My interests include percussion, mastication, napping and hang gliding.

I don’t smoke, drink or do drugs, and expect the same from my lady. I don’t have any children and don’t plan to for at least a little while. I have had all my shots and am working on becoming house broken.

I’m outgoing and love to meet new people. I am very secure and independent with many hobbies and goals. I do not drive, and I still live with my parents. I am also unemployed, or rather, “managing my portfolio,” so hopefully that’s not a big deal.

I am well traveled and enjoy traveling, sometimes going many miles.

My ideal lady will be older than me, sharing, caring, kind, articulate and a poor judge of character. She should enjoy fine cinema such as Wizard of Oz, Looney Toons and the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The ability to laugh and make me laugh is a must, so she should be comfortable making silly noises around me, even in public.

I do not know my phone number, so try dialing at random until you get me. College degree or dowry a plus. No psychos.


Christmas in Review: From Huh to Wow!

What an odd series of events this Christmas has been. Whomever devised this holiday really deserves a pat on the back and probably a hug. A Starbucks gift card at the very least.

It’s been going on so long now I thought it would never end. It seems like a million years ago all the decorations and the tree went up. Then came the endless string of get-togethers and gifts. Heck, were it not for the unwelcome visit from that deranged old man it would have been perfect.

Between the food, friends and fun, it was so great we should do it again next year.


Prepping For Baby Brother; Wrassle Practice

The big people are cleaning and organizing and all around getting ready for the new arrival come spring. Family and friends are suggesting names and I’m getting ready for new brother too.

I don’t knock these practices they do, though I don’t take part in them myself. That doesn’t mean I won’t be able to do my part when the time comes, because oh baby, will I ever.

As I’ve learned from my experiences with Patrick, being an older brother is not an easy task. You’ve got to be loud and never forget to wrestle with the younger brother, putting special emphasis on his head. I can’t even count the times my head has been the subject of tough love, but that’s how it goes. Now it’s my turn to pass down the love.

I guess I’ve learned most of what I know about wrestling from my brother. When I play with his toys (or my own that he covets), he always makes time to pause and show me how. He does the traditional pre-scream, followed by grabbing, squeezing and falling to the ground. Fortunately, there are always referees around for when I’ve had enough.

This isn’t the best practice though. While it helps me understand my role as the underdog it does very little to show me how to put a “whippin’ on down.” That’s where my responsibilities will lie, that’s where I could use a little sharpenin’ up. And that’s where Blue comes into play.

You see, I’ve broken the twenty-pound mark. It’s embarrassing to gain weight this quickly, having tripled my weight in just the last year alone. With that in mind, I have to find a decent-sized opponent whom I outweigh. Blue fits the bill just fine.

So wish me luck in my training. It won’t be easy but it will be rewarding. And for you, my little Baby X brother, you are in for a real big brother treat.


Dinosaur Escapes Nursing Home, Terrorizes Children

On the evening of December 24th one Kris Kringle was reported missing from his room at the Midvale Convalescent home in the 2400 block of W. Valley Rd.

Once in public, he began a spree of terror on unsuspecting nice children the world over.

According to orderlies attending the elderly man, he had stopped taking his medication, which was designed to repress his schizophrenia and delusions of grandeur. He reportedly believes it is his sole duty to hold the world’s littl’ins hostage to trade reprieve and toys for cookies and milk.

That same evening, during a get-together with family members, the elderly bearded man dressed in a huge red outfit made an appearance before yours truly. He smelled of spirited egg nog and proclaimed some business about “ho ho ho.”

While the adults were all able to remain calm, the smaller folks were quickly drawn in by his allure. He seemed to know everyone by name and tried tempting us with gifts. Brother graciously accepted, but I exercised far more caution.

The disorderly old man, claiming to have some kind of wildlife up on the roof, enticed me to take the gift, which I did reluctantly. Upon recieving it, the catch became apparent… he wished a photograph with me.

He took me up in his giant red arms and asked me if I’d been nice this year and I simply lost my composure. His beard was larger than me, his eyebrows looked like a pair of frosted rats and his belly moved not unlike a bowl full of jelly.

I cried out to handlers to rescue me, fearing his wrath would soon be upon me and I’d be kidnapped until the authorities could finally get him back in a straightjacket. My photographer, Daddy-O, swooped in and fought him back with careful might.

Once freed from his clutches he announced he had many more children to visit and bolted for the door. I tried to call 911 but was too terrified to speak.

Once he had gone, I slowly opened the present. It was a squeezy truck that makes motor noises. Very cool indeed. Who was this man? Why had he given me this gift? Aren’t there medications that prevent this sort of wonton terror? These questions may never be answered, but for now, I just hope his horrible spree of child frightenings will come to an end. This


Christmas Hat Fails to Seal Season

This event has been growing for such a big part of my life now that once it’s over I’m not sure what I’m going to have to look forward to. With that said, please tell me that hat is not as good as it gets.

There have been so many lights, trees, songs and visits. I’d like to think that after the gifts have come and gone (since the holiday still continues) that there will be a grand finale.

My brother is big into hats, but he also thinks a balanced diet is mac & cheese alternating with hot dogs. I just know there’s more to it than this. If this is their idea of a closing number, I’ve got a couple pointers I’d like to bring to the table.

So anyway, these are my cousins. I think it was Katy’s hat, she’s the one on the right. It’s big and not too comfy, so here’s to hoping.

Merry Christmas, I suppose. If anyone’s got a good handle on this Christmas business, I’d love to hear about it. Meanwhile, I guess it’s back into the dark for me.


Who Made Me the Merry Taxman?

What a sweet scam I’ve pulled. I’m not sure how I did it, but it seems some way, some how, some who, I’ve been appointed the holly jolly holiday gift skimmer.

And a bottle to boot, oh man I`m in heaven.
And a bottle to boot, oh man I`m in heaven.

Everyone got their own separate presents, for sure, and I got mine. We’re still bearing in mind that every present really is a gift inside a gift, right? Once everybody opened their stuff, they gave me the wrapping! Hey, it’s only like 10% of what makes the gift great, but it’s by far the best 10%. I got pretty crinkle paper, I got sparkle ribbon, I got sticky name tags for my hands and hair, I got teething bows, and by gum I got holiday joy.

Shirts, toys, stuffed animals and blocks, yeah, yeah, whatever. I got all the wrapping paper. Did you hear me? Look at all this. How delightful! Maybe these people are buttering me up for favorable write-ups in the paper, I don’t know. Maybe they expect really awesome gifts in return. I prefer to think it’s because I’ve been really good all year, or my whole life, whichever is longer.

To all those who’ve made this possible I thank you. You’ve been very special to me my whole life and today is no exception. Thanks for our friendship, thanks for the gifts, and thank you so, so much for the paper.


Uh Huh, Present. Why’m I Wearing Antlers?

Huh, yeah, thanks, something wrapped in paper for me. Um, why the heck am I wearing antlers here? I’m not a reindeer and I don’t know anyone with a sleigh, so what on peaceful earth is the deal?

They didn`t show up so good, but I wasn`t about to sit still for any more shots.
They didn`t show up so good, but I wasn`t about to sit still for any more shots.

I understand that there’s some kind of relentless pursuit of adorability underway, but the costs are rising and I’m not sure how much more I can budget.

For one thing, it’s Christmas, let’s not forget that. I mean, technically it’s still Christmas Eve, but it’s my first one, so that should count for something. Aren’t there child labor laws in this God we trusting country? I doubt Jesus had to work on Christmas and him and God are related. Consider that.

A second and equally important factor to consider would be that these antlers are really uncomfortable. They don’t want to stay on and they have sure got my vote for coming off. Before or behind my ears, they want to slide off my head. That leaves only two distinctly uncomfortable options, the diagonal pinch or the ear squish. If you’ve ever seen a reindeer with kallywompus antlers I image you can share in my alarm. As for the ear squish, well, I don’t think I need to tell you why that’s no good.

Let’s just enjoy our time together, and by “our” I mean mine and yours, not mine and the antlers.