Itchy irritations on the backside can be a real pain in the rear, and much like diaper rash itself, I swear I’ll get straight to the bottom, much like it does.
If you suffer from diaper rash, you know it causes irritation all over your business end, regardless of what business you’re in. As a one-time sufferer myself, I can tell you the discomfort ain’t much fun up front nor on the back end. But what you may not know is the lesser perils of this so-called “scratchy booty syndrome.”
If you have it beware that you may become a baboon like my dear brother Brendan.
He’s a good brother and a pretty okay editor, I guess,* but as an on-again off-again sufferer of the pinkish heiny affliction, he’s got bigger problems; he’s himself becoming a true-to-life baboon.
Baboons are rainbow-keistered primates who eat bananas, make howler chimpy noises and climb their habitat in any way imaginable. Is this starting to sound anything like Brendan at all?
Like any domesticated orangutan, he wears a diaper, eats bananas, makes kissy faces upon unreliable cue, and oo-ooh’s and ah’s at random given opportunities. All that, and his butt has turned to pinkest, primatish heat, regardless of the bluster of our wintry cold.
I’m no scientist so I boil it down like this: climby, howly, banana goblin’, pink-patootied brother equals baboon… You know?
So what’s the cure to bring my bro-man back from the brink of old world monkitide? Fortunately, they make a cream for that, can you believe it? It’s a cream to make you less of an ape. I’m not sure if it takes hair off too, but it does dull the pinkness and irritation. That right there makes it a miracle cream to me.
Is rash cream what they use to smarten up the monkeys you see on TV? I’d guess it is, as it seems to work any odd kind of wonder that way.
So just like the rash itself, I’ve gotten to the bottom of the matter, and you’ve gotten to the bottom of my report. Good enough all around, no**?
And I’m spent.
* He’s good, but be makes too many footnotal astrices, much like this one.
Photo withheld out of courtesy to Brendan, butt [sic, truly sick] click here if you want to see it anyhow.
ABOVE – I know this isn’t a savory photo, nor is it something we’re proud of, but looking back on his behind may someday help him appreciate how itch-free his hindquarters truly are… that is, assuming the cream does it’s fair job.