Man I Love Photo Shoot Outtakes

As a pint-sized superstar I’ve been under the macroscope from day negative-180, so I’m no stranger to the camera and, baby, it ain’t nothing but a friend to me. Still, the outtakes really crack me up, and hopefully you can share in a touch of that delight.

I may look funny here, but I KNOW I look gooooood.
I may look funny here, but I KNOW I look gooooood.

First of all, when I say that the camera loves me, I’m not being vain or conceded. All I mean is, man do I look good on camera! Who is that handsome devil, is that me? Really? My goodness I’m a looker. How did I get so attractive? This must be a clerical error, real-time PhotoShop airbrushing or at least a mix up at the baby ward of whatever hospital I was born in, because that rascal is one good lookin’ fella. Really, really manly, really.

But the blooper reel man, wow, have you seen it? Oh it’s a hoot!

By the way, the photo shoot in question was because of our staff biography photo shoot, specifically my own bio. It was fine, fun and killer good stuff. No matter, it was the day in question and just that. Nothing too delightfully delectable, but fun no less all around.

I dress up fancy, I polish my look and I slap myself down on whatever pedestal (the parents awkwardly have put me) upon. I know my business and well I should, as it’s the only business I’ve ever known, save for this whole news journalism thingy-doo. But before I can go in to fully pose for the camera I’ve got to sharpen up the last little bit.

But it’s even worse than that, these snappy photo folk, on some level they’re all fame hungry paparazzi. So check me out, how silly I was; I was just getting ready, this wasn’t who I was. I’m all about the fame and whatnot and even more so the protection of personal privacies, most specifically as it pertains to me and my personal fame and privacy, but oh man,this stuff is adorable even by my standards.

So despite my best judgment, or rather, maybe because of my best judgments, I’m including the outtake photo on account of how ridiculously adorable it is.

So that’s it. Just all that. Just that and please enjoy it. I don’t know what else to say but there’s nothing else. It’s fun, it’s funny and even I say so, so enjoy it. Oh, and don’t count on a lapse in my judgment in the future with such adorable an adorable outcome. Okay, that’s it, I’m done.

ABOVE - I know it's goofy but I wanted to look good, surely that isn't a crime.
ABOVE – I know it’s goofy but I wanted to look good, surely that isn’t a crime.

 

Bottled Water Remarkably Bland

We review a lot of products and services around here and we’re as famous for our glowingly positive commentaries… oh wait, I mean, our remarkably fair and equitable reviews. (Whew, that was a close one.) But this “water” stuff defies my abilities; this stuff is bland! story821

The marketing wizards who push the stuff brag how it’s all-natural, free of carbs, fats and sodium, but what they fail to mention is the total lack of taste. And what’s worse is that for every drop of flavor it lacks it tries to make up for with a penny of cost. That’s right, no flavor and all cost.

bottled-water2LEFT – When my failure to actually taste the water came to light I had no choice but to try to feel the water… didn’t feel like much either.

And the cost is outrageous. With all the complaints about high gas prices I still don’t hear anyone cheerful that it’s still cheaper than water. I mean, this stuff falls from the sky and flows from every chromed spigot in our house, but it’s still more expensive than a lot of fine fluids, all of which have more flavor, most of them with a better flavor.*

And if you want to get scientific and all quantitative, I can cover you there too. The PH level on this stuff is zero. Not acidic, not a base, just a plain old, middle ground, milk toast (without the milk or toast), centerline “nothing.”

People rave about this stuff, so I’m starting to think somebody might have diluted my cup. Stranger things have happened around here, even today, even by me, but how could somebody have watered down my water? Now that is science that’s hard to fathom.

So if you’ve got a thirst you just can’t quench, try juice, try milk, try pop, coffee or stagnant pond water if you like, but if you’re after a glass of something tasty, steer clear of the aqua de aqua. It ain’t nothing but water, and that’s the truth.

* Gasoline is an exception to this. I’ve never tasted it but it doesn’t smell very delicious. Dinosaur juice? No thanks, that’s as yucky sounding as a tall glass of pork soda. Either way, not interested.

ABOVE - Even Dominic, who has an admittedly unsophistocated pallate, couldn't care any less nor any more for the experience of the bottled water.
ABOVE – Even Dominic, who has an admittedly unsophistocated pallate, couldn’t care any less nor any more for the experience of the bottled water.

 

Mexican Wrestling Career Ends Muy Rapido

Every life should have three careers and I live each day with a richness of a full life. By this (arguably fallible) reasoning I need to have three careers in each and every day of my life and today is no exception. So atop my careers of star reporter and semi-professional juice taster I added Mexican Wrestler, but aye carumba!

Seen here upon completion of persona before the true training began.
Seen here upon completion of persona before the true training began.

Now don’t think this is a racial matter, it isn’t. You need not be Mexican to join the ranks of such greats as Super Pinocho, Super Porky, Mucha Lucha or Strong Bad. It’s not a race of wrestlers, it’s a culture of wrestlers and one that’s very popular in it’s home country, that of course being the Peoples República de la Mexico.

Bro-Patrick is half Mexican so he agreed (with some confusion and bewilderment) to help me put together my costume and persona.

I started with a Batman shirt, added a judo helmet and an M&M mask. The mask is imperative, you cannot sacrifice your character identity with your real identity no matter what. When the dust settled –though we’re not sure where the dust came from — I was all made up and ready to rock with my new wrasslin’ personality.

BatM&Man was born, or as I’d be known in Mexico, Palo HoM&Mbre.

But it didn’t last too long. Before I could get into competitions I had to train, and my two brothers were ready and raring to help. I ran around, did some clever rolls from floor to couch to carpet and back again, but then it got ugly.

Dominic slapped me. I know he was just playing along but he slapped me and it hurt.

Then they told me that, get this, in wrestling there is a pronounced element of violence. Can that be right? I’ve seen pro wrestling here in the states and those guys never hardly even touch each other. I’m just not sure this will work for me.

So as quickly as it started, it ended. It’s a loss but I’m sure I’m a better man for the journey. Maybe I’ll try it out again later in life, but you know what they say, if you don’t follow your dreams when you’re young you’ll see an old man in the mirror before you know it and it will be too late… well, okay, they don’t say it in those exact words or anything, but it’s the general sentiment.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll try Canadian wrestling. Those guys are pretty civil up there, maybe my skills would be better employed in the Great White North… say, now there’s a fine wrestling name!

ABOVE - After my first chilling defeat I was in no mood to be harangued by my mobs of adoring fans or paparazzi.
ABOVE – After my first chilling defeat I was in no mood to be harangued by my mobs of adoring fans or paparazzi.

 

 

Nap Addict Excels in Peer Pressure

My name is Dominic and I’m addicted to napping. There, I said it. My first step to recovery is already behind me, but the problem stems from step zero, the one where I’m ready to change. I’m not ready to give up napping, I love it too much, and when it comes to finding a crash buddy I’m a pro.

Would this face lead you astray?
Would this face lead you astray?

I could quit napping whenever I want to, seriously I could. I just don’t want to. I love the way it feels and the way it makes me feel after I do it. Sure, after the affects wear off I need another one, but that’s just how they are. That doesn’t mean I have a problem or anything.

It also doesn’t mean that anyone who joins me in my vice has a problem either.

Yeah, I take naps every day. Sometimes I take a big one and then throw in a couple quicky naps in the car while we’re going to the store or wherever. Sometimes I miss work because of it or sleep through important events, but that’s just how it goes. That’s not my problem, that’s only a problem for people around me.

They say that my nap withdrawal affects other people around me and that just like any addiction, it affects the whole family. When I’m really hard up for my nap I start showing signs. I get grouchy and start yawning and so do people around me. Hey, if they can’t take it they need to give in and recognize their problem.

They need to join me. They need to take a nap too. Just a little one, it won’t hurt anybody. It’s completely natural.

ABOVE - You look at this face and I ask you, doesn't it make you want to take a nap as well?
ABOVE – You look at this face and I ask you, doesn’t it make you want to take a nap as well?

 

Pediatricians Renounce ‘Dish Washing’ Children

Whether old-fashioned or trendsetting all parents like to find a quicker and easier way to take care of day-to-day life. A new trend has surfaced that promises to replace lengthy, labor intensive and splashy bath times with a quick blast through the pots & pans mode in the dishwasher. Unfortunately, pediatricians are speaking out against it.

Here you can see Dominic checking out the dishwasher in the run up to his mecha-scrubbery.
Here you can see Dominic checking out the dishwasher in the run up to his mecha-scrubbery.

We opted to give it a shot in our house. I don’t know if you’ve read around this paper much, but Dominic is two things that makes him a perfect candidate for this new age method of cleaning; he’s a child and he’s pretty messy, pretty much all the time.

In an effort to be fair with the decision we put it to a vote. Both me and Patrick voted “YAY!” and clapped our hands, but Dominic himself was a little more apprehensive. He looked in there, checked it out, liked what he saw and climbed right in. He didn’t make the first peep of protest until he was sitting on the plastic-coated prongs that poked him all about his undercarriage, but I figured it was too late. He had his opportunity to object but didn’t take it until it was too late.

Pediatricians who were interviewed for this article “couldn’t believe it,” and I’m with them all the way. Shouldn’t he have spoken up sooner? I mean, sure it doesn’t have a window and it’s kind of small, but that’s only because nobody watches their dishes wash, which I think is also terrible. I’d pay good money to watch that thing in action, but I guess nobody invites toddlers to their focus groups.

Another pediatrician said “there’s many safer ways to have a clean child” and again I couldn’t agree more. I suggested we coat him with ScotchGuard or give him a Teflon glaze, but those haven’t been approved for human use yet. I think it would be great. Every few months he’d outgrow his old shell, molt, and we’d have a collection of our younger selves shells around to play with. That would be better and safer for sure, but still it’s not an option on the market despite all our so-called technology.

Unfortunately the parents conceded to Dominic’s protests and took him out of the dishwasher just as dirty as he was when he went in. I think this is terrible. If he makes a decision to do something and they let him back out, what kind of lesson does that teach? Besides, he’s still sticky from his waffle’s maple syrup and beside all that I really wanted to see it happen.

For now I guess we’re back to scrubbing him the old fashioned way, in a big old tub full of non-machine-forced water. It’s not a good solution. Mark my words, he’ll come out with spots and mama’s going to have dishpan hands before this day’s work is done.

ABOVE - Methinks he protesteth too much. Dominic was all set to go for the experiment until the pokey jab things got him in the behind. I guess it got a little too real for him right about then. Sadly, the parents called off the experiment altogether... Also, pay no mind to the fact that we wash our used Sunny-D bottles, it's a long story.
ABOVE – Methinks he protesteth too much. Dominic was all set to go for the experiment until the pokey jab things got him in the behind. I guess it got a little too real for him right about then. Sadly, the parents called off the experiment altogether… Also, pay no mind to the fact that we wash our used Sunny-D bottles, it’s a long story.

 

Autumn Leafs Me Astonished

I’m often surprised, amazed or as the title of the paper would indicate, truly perplexed, but something I found this week has left me something other than these things. It’s these mega-girthy fronds of autumn that have affronted me and taken me aback alike. These leaf me astonished.

My that`s quite a fallen leaf.
My that`s quite a fallen leaf.

I know it’s a punny matter, but it’s hardly something to laugh at. Summer ends, the leaves turn colors and fall from the tree (they’re called “leaves” for a reason you know) and next thing I know they’re littering the sidewalk like just so much of mother nature’s litter.

But look at them! We get more than our fair share of rain but I’m just sure this isn’t a rainforest, so who mutated the maples in the back alleys by my adobeious abode… I was trying to be poetic there, I just meant we muddy up the house, that’s all.

Mind you, not all leaves leave me so speechless, but this one, as you can see above, happens to be particularly shocking. Also, I had cookies in my mouth and didn’t wish to be impolite.

But today is for the giving of thanks, so I’m off to bathe and dress for a turkey sort of adventure. Besides, the joke only goes so far with the leafing thing.

ABOVE - And here you can see us in the throes of indifference. Autumn has leafed us in dank dust of dusk. This photo sums it all up nicely because we’re all conveying our independent apathies.
ABOVE – And here you can see us in the throes of indifference. Autumn has leafed us in dank dust of dusk. This photo sums it all up nicely because we’re all conveying our independent apathies.

 

Now Who’s the Yahoo!?

It’s been a long road thus far, this whole “me being a newspaper guy” thing, but today ushers in una chapter Nuevo in our never-ending quest to make things easier for you to find us, read us, and (obviously, of course) enjoy us. Now you can add us to your (dot) Yahoo!, ya silly yahoo. 

Wow man, a custom graphic for My.Yahoo.com? What`s next, a golden potty chair?
Wow man, a custom graphic for My.Yahoo.com? What`s next, a golden potty chair?

If you love Perplexing Times and want an easier way to read it (heck, I’d love to have an easier way to write it) you can now add it to your My dot Yahoo! page with the nearly effortless click of a simple button, specifically the left-mouse one.

Now, don’t think of us as late to the game on all these crazy tech advancements. We’ve got our standard RSS page, syndication through LiveJournal and even a javascript based headline feeder for other websites that want to run our live headlines on their sites without the hassle of installing their own RSS parser.

See how tricky it is? I don’t even know what an RSS parser is, but I’ve still got a handle on feeding headlines, my own dear pudgy face, and the world with knowledge… See where I’m coming from? Also, in the case of my face I meant with food, not knowledge, sorry if that caused any confusion.

If you have a my.yahoo.com page, just click the button on the left bar of this page and you’ll be able to add our headlines to your start page. Hey man, it’s just that easy.

And now, in case you were wondering, we have arrived at the place of “just that cool”. I’m sure you’re ready to join us so I’ll plan on seeing you on the flip side.

 

Naps Quit, Still Dabble Socially

The first step towards recovery is to admit that you have a problem. That was no problem for me, I admitted long ago I had a problem with taking too many naps, a matter I was all too eager to remedy. Well, it’s been some time now and I can gladly say I’ve given it up entirely… well, mostly at least.

Okay, fine, I`ll (gladly) go take my nap.
Okay, fine, I`ll (gladly) go take my nap.

It’s not like I want to take naps, it’s not like that at all. It’s that sometimes the mood overtakes me and I just have to. That doesn’t make me weak or anything, does it? Does that somehow make me a bad person? I’m not a creature of no personal will, am I?

Here’s a better explanation of it all. See, thing is, when I was younger I used to totally take naps. A lot of them. Maybe one to three a day, and I know that I missed out on a lot of stuff during those times. It wasn’t that I wanted to miss stuff, it’s that I was addicted to napping.

There, I said it, I was addicted to napping. I’m not proud of it but I refuse to be ashamed. It’s a phase we all go through. Dominic’s a steadfast nap addict these days. He’s already fighting it, but like a newly surrendered smoker, he’s grouchy as all get out when he doesn’t get his fix.

But as I always say about this time, “back to me.”

It’s not every day you can throw me down on down most fluffy nor get me to depress my head on depressing pillows, but on those odd days you can (literally, I think it’s just the odd numbered days of the month) I’ll consider your nap, think about your sleepytime, and maybe even dream about taking a restful nap whilst I slumber happily on Sponge-Bobby bedding.

No less and no more; all them’s things is all good and junk, but simply put and devoid of even the first modicum of doubt, I’s got’s to throw my head to a pillow rights abouts now.

Wish you well, ill or whatever the gods may have in store for you but I’ve got a meeting with some Mr. Sandman dude I simply cannot put off any longer. And, with that, I bid you good day, adieu, and a reciprocal assortment of Z’s, as the latter (to me at least) is unavoidable.

ABOVE - Seen here trying to take my nap atop a sofa much as I've seen kitty cats successfully do. "No dice" say parents.
ABOVE – Seen here trying to take my nap atop a sofa much as I’ve seen kitty cats successfully do. “No dice” say parents.

 

Biography for MissLissa

MissLissa has long been our staff Unter-typist and unterall, unterbearing acceptor of madness. She takes what’s scribbled from our brilliant literary jottings and conscribes it into logical typery, and takes our pre-reasoned typing and transmographies that into reasonable literature of highest journalistic integrity. 

This photo MAY not be the most current one available.
This photo MAY not be the most current one available.

(Click here to see the full sized version of this photo.)

MissLissa has a fine boy of her own, as we’ve included in some of our past articles. But when he’s at school and her own so called “day job” doesn’t interfere with it, she finds our silly mistakes (even after my own and the parental reviews) and she adds in links, missed points and otherwise fixes stuff we couldn’t have othewise picked up on, even if only because we didn’t otherwise care.

MissLissa has been a very important part of Daddy-O’s life in terms of help and support (both professional and personal) and to Miss Mama in terms of taking us taxing boys off her hands, whether to parks, church, or restaurants, not to mention watching us while Miss Mama takes a stay with the MRI or alphabetically uncommon X-Rays, whatever that means.

 

  • Original Bio Page
  • Brendan Alexander’s Bio
  • Dominic Benjamin’s Bio
  • Patrick Joseph’s Bio(Click here to see the full sized version of this photo.)

 

Biography for Dog

Dog has been an integral component of my life, my family, and Perplexing Times since we first adopted him in February of 2004. This is the biography of Dog, the Perplexing Times stuffed animal.

Biography photo of the world`s most famous stuffed dog.
Biography photo of the world`s most famous stuffed dog.(Click here to see the full sized version of this photo.)

His full name is Dog Diggity Doggerson and he’s a Chinese born Potton-Collie mutt. Well actually, on this side of the International Dateline we say he’s “cotton/poly” but it doesn’t change who he is).

Dog was found wallowing in a plush puppy orphanage off Nanjing Road and Daddy-O adopted him on my behalf. I was too young for the responsibility but qualified to take him in as a friend. No one knew then that I’d come to accept him and love him as my own the way I have.

He doesn’t write for us and he’s rarely the focus of an article, but Dog is as much a part of my entourage as drinking water, either of my brothers or the odd parent — and I’ve got two odd parents, so I should know.

He’s been with us on our tours of China, California, the Washington Coast, and our most recent road trip to Canada. His primary function is to act as my muse and he does it with a calming, unassuming nature like none other.

Since he’s a dog he ages seven times as fast as us people-folk. Though he was just a puppy* when he joined us, he’s already aged beyond his years. His stuffing isn’t as full as it once was and his originally flawless coat is pilling up more and more with each passing week. And, as all dogs do, he usually smells pretty bad even after a hearty frolic through the coin-op Maytag machine. He always comes back revitalized but not 100%. But come on, he’s getting up there in dog years.

Dog has been featured in the following articles:

      • Ode to my Dog, Blanket, Bottle
      • Despite Warning Child Plays with Phone, Calls China
      • Masked Bandit Hogs Household Toys
      • Dog Day’s Day Spa Rejuvinates

Dog was photographed in the following articles:

        • Asian Paparazzi Really Out of Hand
        • New Naptime Sport:  Bedjacking
        • What Gives w/ All the Abject Cousins?
        • Needless to Say (Just Like All Of It)
        • Kindergartner Masters Swearing
        • Managing Your 1/34th Life Crisis
        • Medicine Yucky…Wait, I’m Sailing!
        • Bottle Withdrawal Hurts, Hurts, Hurts
        • Original Bio Page
        • Brendan Alexander’s Bio
        • Dominic Benjamin’s Bio
        • Patrick Joseph’s Bio

Let it be known right now (in the unlikely event it hasn’t been already): I love you Dog. You make me happy, bring me comfort and God willing, I’ll never forget you for all you do for me in these, my most formative years.

*That silly MissLissa even tried to convince me his name was “Puppy” in the beginning, but he’s obviously “Dog.” Besides, “Puppy” is much too hard to say.