We’ve been working on this study for many years now. It’s our endless quest to find people in the world-at-large who can understand the plainly spoken, well articulated and otherwise flawless and fluent language that is spoken by so many of my peers; I’m talking about the language known as Total Gibberish. Today, sadly, our world-at-large failed once again.
We went down to the new community center to check out the offerings and see what all the lack of fuss wasn’t about, only to find they threw in a park for good measure. Wherever there’s a park, I feel it’s my civic duty to play on it. After all, if people like me don’t use the toys that are offered, it’s like I’m throwing away the tax dollars I probably should have paid but didn’t.
The park had more to offer than I could have expected. It had different areas for different ages, an assortment of fun, brand new toys -though of what brands even the city can’t likely say. And, I got to tell you, the whole experience was really great.
I saw a very, very old man (not sure how old he was, but from the looks of his weathered features and outrageous height, he had to be at least 15-years old) who was just sitting on the swings. He wasn’t much swinging and he surely wasn’t taking in the full fun the park had to offer. I always feel bad when I see the elderly missing something so plainly obvious, so I took it upon myself to help him out.
I went over to him and explained whatever it was I explained. Maybe it was something about the other climby-toys or maybe it was a quick tutorial on how a swing is commonly enjoyed, but none of what I said is the point. The point is how I said it, which was plainly and clearly in articulate, fluent gibberish… and he didn’t understand a syllable of it.
What is our society coming to that people still don’t understand me? I know I’m not but aren’t the masses at least modestly educated? I can’t garble my margle zous* any more clearly than I already do, but no matter what I said and how I said it, he just couldn’t get my meaning.
Although my assessment is as yet unresolved in all this gibberish studying business, I have to say that my latest bit of study has only disheartened me further. If you’re looking to take up a second language, and you really should, consider Spanish (so you can talk to those who speak the third most common language in this country) or gibberish (so you can speak the second most common language, and the one that all of your children learn long before whatever language it is you claim to speak as a “first” language).
Think of your language study as a business investment. Us garble-mouthed juniors are a huge market segment and we force purchases like few other demographics. If you guys could just figure out what the heck we’re saying you could sell us better, forge more and better business alliances with us, and maybe even figure out how to make us eat a vegetable or two.**
* That’s a pretty common phrase in gibberish, but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that. I’m sure you already got it. It’s a pretty clever joke, isn’t it? I’m pretty clever, I know it.
** And don’t try that “drowning it in a sea of molten cheese” business. We’re hip to that. We just lick the fatty goodness off and leave the leafy greenness behind for you to squeegee from our plates.