Woodland Park Zoo’s ‘Pumpkin Prowl’ a Tricky Treat

This weekend we attended the annual, fun-festivitous Pumpkin Prowl at Seattle’s Woodland Park Zoo. We went in 2004, but as I have no recollection of the event, we figured it was time to go back and, as it turns out, we were right. They had every kind of fun we could have wanted, a few more we didn’t expect, and a couple that pushed us to be courageous.

The spooky house was scary indeed, but I did make it through it... twice in fact.
The spooky house was scary indeed, but I did make it through it… twice in fact.

It’s a fun, family-friendly event hosted at the zoo each year, and it’s called the Pumpkin Prowl because there’s Jack-o-Lanterns as far as the eye can see, as well as at every turn. I know because I kept turning, and there they kept on being. There were happy ones, sad ones, ones that said words and others that were very funny, but it was hard to keep track because they were just everywhere.

I’ve never seen this many Lanterns of the Jack-O variety before, and I’ve been to a number of pumpkin patches.

prowl-06-2Left – It was a long enough day, and even though the event only began at 5:00pm, by the time we left shortly after 7:00, all I could do was nod right off into sleeping dreamyland.

 

 

 

Parking is free for the event, which makes getting in and out as easy as can be. Once inside you get to trick or treat through a variety of sponsored booths. Sponsors include your neighborhood drug store, a handful of radio stations (including Radio Disney) and a bunch of others. We got candy, tasty Cliff Bars, and even cupcake coupons and movie passes.

And these people didn’t even know that we’re famous!

I could go on like this for hours, and I know because when we went, that’s exactly what I did was go on for hours. It’s rewarding, but very tiring, and I just can’t bring myself to put you through it the way I so gladly did.

Right – It’s not the best picture of the day, but we took so many that were so much fun, and this is just one example. The  prowl-06-3spooky house had flying ghosts, a swamp, and tons of attendants who were on hand to point out the fun, keep things safe and civil, and make sure everybody was having the best time possible. This doesn’t even cost extra, it’s just a fun-bonus we got to have.

 

 

 

So instead I’ll shorten it up and say that there was a variety of shows including a fun science exhibition and the juggling comedic stylings of “Brothers from Other Mothers,” who know as much about catching the things they throw in the air as they do about making kids in costumes giggle it up all crazy-like. They caught as much as they threw, and they did it all with fun and flair.

Although it wasn’t my mostest favoritest part, I loved that almost everybody — under a certain height and age, at least — was in costume which made it even more fun for me, and that was the other guests, not even the paid parts of the festivities.

We didn’t get a release from my favorite, dressed-up boy, so I can’t show it to you, but I did get my picture taken with the coolest Buzz Lightyear guy. He had the full costume complete with the inflatable “ba-ba backpack” which is what I call his flying wings he wore on his back.

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Above – Of all the attractive sights at the Pumpkin Prowl, the twenty-foot dancing punkin’-headed guy was probably my favorite. I kept pointing out that he had hands, and it’s really pretty spectacular when you think about it. Most pumpkins don’t have hands, and I’m really good at seeing, saying and showing my own hands. It also helped that he was dancing, even though I heard he’s just full of hot air. It was pretty nippy out, so I can’t say how hot his air was, but I do know he was fun and funny all at once, and the fact that I could see him from a number of vantage points allowed me to be certain that he was real.

Also, note that my mask was too large for my head. I eventually gave up on it and wore it higher up my head. Kind of had to so I could see from more than one eye at a time, even though my identity was no longer as secret as my superhero persona might demand.

There were man’s bat, spider, super and assorted other heroes. There was almost every kind of animal you could dream up, right down to aardvarks and I think a lemur. There were also bugs, angels, princesses, ninjas and cunning costumes only adults could appreciate like Rosie the Riveter and some crazy Kazakh named Borat who kept asking people if they liked, telling them that he liked, and enthusiastically adding, “Niiiice!”

Some people are very strange. Though in all fairness, I do include myself and my siblings in that declaration. I calls it likes I sees it, and my mirror ain’t broken; I know I’m a bit peculiar (though I prefer the term “unique.”

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Above – You can see here that the spooky swamp in the scary house (which I don’t really think was actually haunted, though I won’t swear to that). It’s the attention to detail that made the place so darn fun.

We also got to go through a spooky-fashioned house, check out the bug exhibit, and enjoy a bunch of staff members dressed in the most elaborate costumes you’ve ever seen. We couldn’t help but see that the zoo staff was really going the extra mile to make sure everybody had as much fun as possible at every turn, and whenever you see people who really enjoy what they do, you know that’s the sort of thing worth appreciating.

Although I can’t possibly fit all the fun features into a single article, this was an event we were glad we didn’t miss.

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Above – The highlight of the evening was the lenghty (though not too long) comedy and juggling show. These guys aren’t just funny, but they’re talented. They juggle, they jest, they spread the glee they have with the people they see who see them, and at the end of the day — when the Pumpkin Prowl took place, I might add — isn’t that what it’s all about?

And of course, by the time it was all said and done, though still quite early in the evening, I just couldn’t keep my eyes open for the life of me. It wasn’t a bummer though. It was okay because I managed to keep the drowsy, drooping lids aloft long enough to get back to the van, so I didn’t miss anything but the short drive home.

The Woodland Park Zoo is one of the top ranked zoos in the country, and if you take a stroll through the grounds, you’ll quickly understand why. For more information about the zoo and current, fun events, check them out online at www.zoo.org. Whether it’s for Halloween or just in celebration of a Tuesday, the zoo is a wonderful place to spend time with your parents.

Above - I know you've already seen these costumes before, but you can't get too many angles on costumes this spectacular, and I know that. So here's another shot of how great we look, and you're welcome. Also, if you see us foiling criminals and fighting misdemeanors, don't use this knowledge of who we are that's inside these disguises to reveal us. I share these with you as a community service, not just to foil us when we're serving the public good.
Above – I know you’ve already seen these costumes before, but you can’t get too many angles on costumes this spectacular, and I know that. So here’s another shot of how great we look, and you’re welcome. Also, if you see us foiling criminals and fighting misdemeanors, don’t use this knowledge of who we are that’s inside these disguises to reveal us. I share these with you as a community service, not just to foil us when we’re serving the public good.

 

Toddler Voc-Tech Training Plumb Amazing

While most industries have strict age requirements, one is standing alone. The Plumb Different Vocational School has already opened enrollment for their toddler plumbers apprentice program with more programs on the way.

Demonstrating a proper crack is not always an easy thing, fortunately, I was well trained.
Demonstrating a proper crack is not always an easy thing, fortunately, I was well trained.

What an amazing program! Did you realize that there are currently no plumbers licensed in North America who are capable of crawling into a sewer drain to find the problem firsthand? They can’t even reach down into a clogged toilet to resolve the back up, yet they still bill out more than attorneys do.

Rather than go into painful detail about the school, I’m just going to tell you what I learned while I hung out with them. It wasn’t really training for me, just an overview for the press, so we could tell you guys about it.

plumber-tallFirst rule: Plumbing is very tricky. If you aren’t careful, you will slip. Since you probably will slip one way or another, it is critical to keep your pants 5-10% lower than you would otherwise. Better to drop them down than lose your footing.

Rule two: Assure whomever you’re helping that anything you fix may and probably will break again.

Rule three: Always state the obvious. If you’re there because of frozen pipes, be sure to tell them prophetically, “your pipes are frozen,” as if proclaiming it was enough to solve the problem. It may seem condescending, but only because it is.

Rule four: Quote absurd times for availability. Start by saying you can’t make it out within three weeks, then tell them you will arrive between 7:00am and 9:00pm; but don’t feel obligated to show up or call.

Rule five: Charge a lot of money.

If you are an infant or toddler, or know someone who is and was considering a career in the aquaductal arts, be sure to tell them that they now have an option.

 

Paternal Fitness Plan ‘Be Monster for Me’ Panned by Father

Of all the fitness plans I’ve proposed to my very own, notably chubby father, there hasn’t been any that he’s ever taken me up on. My latest favorite is a workout plan called “be monster for me” by which he can expend tremendous energy while chasing me on hands and bended, suffering knees; but, even still, he isn’t too interested.

We captured a rare photo of the impending monster, and he was mighty, mighty scary, at least in context.
We captured a rare photo of the impending monster, and he was mighty, mighty scary, at least in context.

I can agree that it’s hard on the knees to crawl around, which is likely the very reason I chose myself to walk upright instead, but in terms of burning calories and working muscles you didn’t even know you had, there is little that can compare.

If you choose to accept my “be monster for me” charge, you can count on huffing, puffing, sweating and subsequently aching in places you didn’t even know you had muscles. Truth is you probably didn’t have muscles there, and that’s part of the problem. Mankind, as it turns out, was not meant to be on all-fours. If you don’t believe it, just check with the advocates of evolution or creation, they do concur on this singular point.

Daddy-O has done his fair share, but if you know anything about dealing with preschoolers, you know that a fair share is never enough. I want more, more still, and time permitting, yet some more on top of that. Daddy-O gave up early, but I found a new sucker to play my game, and there entered second-cousin Steve.

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Above – As any fool can see –or even more foolish, should they choose to believe it — this is a great and terrible monster right here, ready to attack, ravage and chase us all sorts of all the time, as needed, which it is; it is needed.

He’s a powerhouse, really. He’s in the whom’s whom of inventors, a successful business man, and as I came to find out, a total sap for being my newfound monster by proxy. He’ll critter-around on hands and knees, growl, and capture to devour without so much as taking the first fangoriously devoursome nibble.

Oh boy, I have got me my very own “monster for me.”

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Above – The monster was kindly, at least in that he was quick to fall upon our attacks. To our engiddyfied dismay, he was also quite quick to pop back up and attack us some more… to our delight.

If you’re looking for a way of having some fun while burning off a few dozen thousands of calories, consider being a monster for me. You may wish to throw a monster blanket over your head to accompany your growlings, as it can heat you up to assist in the burning of calories as well as the onset of heat stroke, but no matter what you do, grab the kiddies, growl some more, and tickle like crazy.

This can help you reach your fitness goals, though your orthopedist may not entirely approve of it, and it will undeniably be fantastically fun for… well, for me, I guess.

So all things being equal, time permitting, assuming you have a moment to spare, should you not have an opposition to doing so; won’t you kindly be a monster for me?

Above - Even with his own youngest son helping our cause, this was no easy monster to tackle.
Above – Even with his own youngest son helping our cause, this was no easy monster to tackle.

 

Dominic Joins ‘Got Teeth’ Club

It happened a week ago, and despite the delay in getting an official out to authenticate the matter, baby Dominic has undeniably joined the less-than-elusive “got teeth” club.

So ya got some teeth, huh?
So ya got some teeth, huh?

It started when Daddy-O lent him a pair of hands to pacify his hollering howler hole. Dominic demanded Daddy’s digit in his gobble-port to give ‘em a grand gumming, but something pointedly pointy poked him in his pokey pointer. Don’t pretend I’m illiterate when I alliterate this good!

What was the stabby, jabby perpetrator? Why, it was an ivory ghost of the toothy variety, of course, and what a relief it was for us.

The teeth were a bit overdue and we were looking high and low to find him some. Ebay doesn’t carry any because they’re human tissue, we couldn’t get him on a donor list and dentures were all much too big. Even the smallest set of false teeth made him look more chompy than Nick Nolte. No good. Scary, really.

Even since his on-site construction company broke gums on that solo tooth, it’s already made significant head-weigh towards coming out fully.

Dominic’s idea of solid food is Gerber brand mush. That’s a far cry from French toast, fries or anything else deeply entrenched in French culture. The appearance of teeth should revise that belief, we just have to share the proper foods with him. Now that he has teeth, we can do just that.

If you’ll pardon me, I’m off to the kitchen to scare up some Salisbury steak, macaroni and/or cheese and maybe a cold hotdog or some balogna. I like it all and I’m just sure he will too.

If you would like to have teeth and don’t have any at this time, I suggest you grow some. It worked for me and it seems to have worked for young Mr. Dominic too.

If it’s good enough for grandson, it’s good enough for me, that’s the way it was that’s the way it’s got to be… (Bonus points if you can tell me what band and song I satirize with that line of lyric. Email me, I just dare you.)

That's him alright. Don't let the fact you can't see the tooth fool you, he's got one hiding in there... pointy too.
That’s him alright. Don’t let the fact you can’t see the tooth fool you, he’s got one hiding in there… pointy too.

 

‘No Pants’ Dream Comes True

Ever had one of those dreams where you go to work or school and forget to wear pants? I have and, sadly, it’s come all too true.

What the???
What the???

Don’t insult me and pretend you haven’t had the dream. We all have and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. What’s shameful is when the dream is reality, and that, again sadly, has become my reality.

I handed my shoes to the parent-types and insisted that we do some “bye-bye.” Without anywhere to go we hit the courtyard. It may sound like fun but I now realize I wasn’t quite as prepared as I might have wanted. You can guess where this is going.

We’re out there having a ball, the neighbors are all watching me, laughing and smiling. Then it hits me. Oh no, I’m not wearing any pants.

Don’t I have people to watch out for this, to dress me and make sure the paparazzi don”t get any good dirt? Thank goodness they aren’t interested in us, for all of the many assorted reasons, this one included.

It’s okay to dream, to believe in things grand and elusive, but I’m here to tell you that some dreams should be left in your psyche and never surface in your waking life. This is just one such, though a very good, example.


ABOVE – As much as I’d like to pretend it never happened, me sitting on the big wheel says it did. What on earth would make my “life with no pants” dream surface to reality? This just can’t be right!

 

Amazing Maize Maze a Field of Screams

As faithful readers all know, we went out to Stocker Farms last week to get a jump on Halloween. We went back for the festival and this time Halloween really got a jump on us.
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I wish I could take credit for the clever witticism of the Field of Screams chortle-dee-doo, but it’s actually what the maze is called on key nights when, in addition to being a bunch of adeptly carved corn stalks, it’s full of ghosts and other assorted scaries lying in wait to spook loose a scream from one’s anticipating shout factory. More than a maze it really, truly is a field of screams. No discredit to my shouting, that business is pretty amazing too.

Maze or no maze, we went for the festival standing by and, for us at least, that’s where most of the fun really was.

maize-maze-punkinLEFT – Here you will see the punky jump-o-lantern, but only if your eyes are open. It’s easy to spot, all orange and a million feet tall. Look at it already, you can’t miss it.

 

 

 

 

Before I forget I should mention they had a megalopolousy jump-o-pumpkin for our bouncing enjoyment. Shoes off climb in, and bounce about to your hearts delight and your tummy’s dismay. The parents called it a distraction, the brothers called it an attraction, but as the only one is our party to try it out, I just called it a delight.

The festival wasn’t really about wearing a costume nor clever disguise, so we wore our civilian clothes. After all, without stripes on our sleeves we’re still civilians, right? Don’t feel bad, you can still look festive, and in fine form too. Good causes such as this draw volunteers and the hotty high school cheerleaders were ready and willing to paint whiskers, spiders and punkins on kiddo faces a plenty. If you want me to skip the squirm you’d better sweeten the deal, and these attractive maidens with hair of straw and a good dozen and a half years of age did the trick alright, and the treat too… I sat still for them.

RIGHT – We’re a punkin and a peach, but to figure who’s who you’ll have to see our maize-maze-cheerleaderfaces… seriously though, isn’t she a peach? If only I were twenty years older or she was three feet shorter life could be so much different. If only I’d have thought to tell her my name or mutter anything other than “pumpkin.” So it goes.

Speaking of straw, did you know hay is for horses? Normally that’s true, but the Stockers have a hay ride just for people, with nary a horse in sight. It’s a tour of the farm where you can see the gourds, strawberries and saplings for upcoming Christmas trees. Man, this place really is a farm, isn’t it?

So now I have to discuss the mega-biggo corn maze, and I do so with honesty. We didn’t know how daunting it would be, so we started off with the kids’ corner of it. There’s a special spot dedicated to short maze-goers with matching attention spans and tall parents short on patience. Just the sort of thing we needed.

maize-maze2LEFT – Check out the Patrick-man and the me-man each with our punkins on faces. Is this the very definition of Halloween or have I missed somthing grander than grand… like whatever strange action it is those people behind us are engaging in?

The full maze is 10-acres of head-scratch wandering wonderment in total, but we started with (and surrendered to) the beginners’ section. When you envision a maze, do you see right angles and a bunch of disjointed rectangles? Mom and dad sure did but I wasn’t thusly encumbered by such limiting pre-conceived notions. The angles weren’t right, but they also weren’t wrong. Instead of hallways leading to turns, it’s all just wandering.

To most people, a maize maze is all sharp angled, if not predictable. This maze, however, was nothing less than amazing. It’s a horseman atop his rearing, trusty steed. Seriously, look at the photo below and you’ll see it, it’s less a maze and more a perplexing billion bushels of art.

If you’re seeking a reason to raise your body from couch to action before the month and season expire, I suggest you find a corn maze in which to lose yourself. Stocker Farms has found a dozen ways in which to entertain you, can you even just a single reason to be entertained?

Stocker Farms is a member of the Snohomish Pumpkin Festival. More information on the festival can be found here or by driving south from Snohomish, Washington a mere mile until you spot the festive happiness… but do so at your own risk. I warn you in advance that it may be scary.

maize-maze-wide1Here I am lost, lost, lost in the crazy curves of the 10-minute kids’ maze. Man, if only a straight line from point A back to point A could be a little more straight. Sheesh!

ABOVE - This is the whole grand maze in all it's glory. See, I told you there weren't any right angles. Check it out, it's massive, curvacious and frankly a horseman. The bottom right corner is the beginers prepping area where we got lost. Wowwa zowwa, what a mess of corn.
ABOVE – This is the whole grand maze in all it’s glory. See, I told you there weren’t any right angles. Check it out, it’s massive, curvacious and frankly a horseman. The bottom right corner is the beginers prepping area where we got lost. Wowwa zowwa, what a mess of corn.

 

New Playground Gets Six Thumbs Up

This review is terribly out-of-date, but we’ve had so many other pressing concerns over the 6-months since the pictures were taken that we had to address them first. Now, with a lull in our calendar and a renewed passion for parks now too dank to enjoy, our interest has been renewed.

It`s a mess, but so are we, this is the playground we came to love so well.
It`s a mess, but so are we, this is the playground we came to love so well.

This is a park within some reasonable distance of our home. It’s a walkable distance, technically, though we almost never take the time needed to hike so far. That, and it’s fairly newish, which makes it that much more enjoyable just the same.

There’s another new park by our house, and it was scheduled to open in July, but it’s still horrifically incomplete and totally fenced off. This one isn’t that one, but a different one, one that’s actually done, and not just done but long done. This is a park we’ve played and enjoyed, and now, as journalists, we’re ready to give it our tri-fold once-over collectively, as if in some form of threece-over of sorts.

I know, I know, I ramble crazy mad, but I make sense by the closing paragraph as often as not, so make like a grizzly and bear with me a minute.

The park has slides, swings, spins, jumps, falls, springy chairs of dinosauric sorts, and even a bunch of grass you could run all over, you know, if you could figure out a reason to do it. No toys or playground attractions on those blades though, so beats me man, I don’t know why you’d wanna do that.

If you live near a park, find a day that’s not pneumoniacally blustery and take a quick gambol amongst the things your tax-dollars have built for just such occasions. It’s not that you have to, it’s that if you don’t you’re wasting your own tax spending and not having as much fun as you probably should. Though then again, if you’re like me, a toddler, you probably aren’t paying taxes in the first place still, it’s a fun place to go for a good time.

Above - In the unlikely event that this picture needs a caption, I'll provide one for you. This is me on a playground, playing on a playground toy, having more fun than I realistically know what to do with, even though the "it" is as much "myself" as it is "the playground".
Above – In the unlikely event that this picture needs a caption, I’ll provide one for you. This is me on a playground, playing on a playground toy, having more fun than I realistically know what to do with, even though the “it” is as much “myself” as it is “the playground”.

 

It’s Suggested There’s No Pleasing Me, It’s True

Today is a day like so many others. The sort of day when I’ve had not nearly enough sleep nor nearly enough of the foods I feel I need to make my day complete, but it got ugly from there. I got fully fourpence of toys from vending machines at the supermarket, but it wasn’t good enough. Worse still, it turned out it was the very root of my dissatisfaction.
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There’s these really cool machines that stand ever present by the door of mine and your favorite supermarkets. They purvey the finest of desirables ranging from tiny “power” dudes to tattoos to stickers to gumballs. They’re really slick machines but, like any fine drug, I suggest strongly you imbibe in a favorable state of mind. Read on to know what I mean.

As I’d suggested in the introduction I was tired and hungry, but there’s no grounds for what was soon to follow. I wanted toys from the machine(s) and mama had a fistful of change to get rid of. It worked out really well all around until it came time to play with them of course.

They say there’s no pleasing me and here is just the reason why.

I got these super-stellar action figures in miniature form. They are these gummy little ninja’s and whatnot. They’re really super cool, but they’re purveyed in these quadruply super cool plastic bubble balls. They look like translucent acorns with colored caps and they cap off and on at will… not my will but more so at the will of those of higher orders of dexterity.

So with all my rambling, what’s the problem herein on this day?

The problem is quite plain. I can’t take these bubble-ball caps off myself without help nor can I put them back on without this very same (reluctant) help… that’s it, that’s where it’s at. I want the toy out with the lid off and at the same time I want the action figure toy in with the lid on.

In, out, with, without, I don’t care, I’m prepared and eager to cry and whine to have my toy reverted to the other status post hastily and without fail or hesitation, and nothing else can please me nor make me stop my whining of protest.

Think that one over for a minute if you must. Check it, I want the toy out (so I cry) and yet I want the toy in (so I also cry)… you get it yet? This means that no matter what the parents do (or don’t do) I’m giddy and eager to cry about it and demand it’s status revert to its other form.

So where is my joy?

No seriously, where is, this “my joy” that I speak of? This is killing me. I know I’m sad, hungry and tired (though I’ll swear under oath I don’t need any sort of “nap”) but I want my toy:bubble-ball ratio and/or status to be something other than what it is, whatever it is..

You know what else makes me cry? The fact that this article isn’t done, the fact that it is done and the fact that it should be done, not to mention that it’s probably already done as I’m writing this… man, I swear, I’m not crazy and neither are you, there really is no pleasing me.

You ask it and so do I, what gives man?

ABOVE - The smile is misleading, but I assure you I want the buckle to be both fastened and unfastened, and don't even get me started about my sunglasses. Those things need to be on, off, up and down. Try that on for size!
ABOVE – The smile is misleading, but I assure you I want the buckle to be both fastened and unfastened, and don’t even get me started about my sunglasses. Those things need to be on, off, up and down. Try that on for size!

 

Costume Special Part-9 – Double-Blind Pirate

The latest in our winding-down series of special reports on the season’s hottest Halloween costumes comes to you today, live on the scene, from our very own news reporting offices of journalistic journalism. Not only is it one of our last reports, but the Double-Blind Pirate costume is also one of the last you would ever want for yourself or those you love.

No vision equals no fun for bearers of the double-blind pirate costume.
No vision equals no fun for bearers of the double-blind pirate costume.

Any pirate worth his weight in salt, pepper or budget-grade garlic-pepper-salt will surely have an eye patch. It’s a terrible loss to surrender one’s eye to the pecking, beaky ways of a chatteringly annoying pirate parrot. They’re pretty and they talk pretty good, but they peck out eyes like mad, and that’s just part of the deal you take when you become a pirate.

But since you haven’t lost an eye, but you still want to be a pirate, you have to overdo it. Double-do it, if you will. It’s pretty easy, though, this double-blind pirate attire. All you have to do is put a pirate flag bandana across so much of your head that it covers both of your eyes, thus making you that much more sightless than even the most eye-patched of timber-shivered pirate.

And if you like, you can do as I did and wear an extra mask on top of that, both for fashion purposes as well as the concealment of your identity.

From there, all you have to do is yell “Argh!” at unpredictable intervals for unapparent reasons.

The only drawbacks to this costume are that you can’t see anything, that you routinely fall down and bump into things, and that you can never know yourself how much you look like a pirate, you know, since you can’t actually see anything.

For the sake of safety, I’d advise against this choice in costumes this year. If you can’t see where you’re tricking or treating, it’s as likely you’ll end up knocking on a cactus as that you’ll ding-dong the doorbell properly, and that’s to say nothing about how dangerous the cars on the road will be.

Personally, though I enjoyed the attention I got as a double-blind pirate, I did not care for the costume in total because the unexpected blindness was uncomfortably disorienting. As much as I strongly recommend you try it out, I strongly recommend you don’t leave the house in such a costume.

Above - Unsure if what I'm feeling is a doorbell, rose bush or elephant, I feel inclined to recommend against this costume.
Above – Unsure if what I’m feeling is a doorbell, rose bush or elephant, I feel inclined to recommend against this costume.

 

Mariners Reject Credentials, Make Sadness

All we wanted was to see a Seattle Mariners game from a good seat. We requested a couple tickets, as I should be entitled to as a syndicated journalist. Little did I realize they weren’t as family friendly a gang as I thought… enter the run-around.

Interviewing Bobblehead McGee is as close as I got to the action.
Interviewing Bobblehead McGee is as close as I got to the action.

Oh it was something alright. Instead of saying yes or no, they said we had to go through Major League Baseball (in) directly. I later found out that wasn’t true, but it wasn’t a problem, we did as they said. We jumped the hoops, did our paperwork and our credentials were duly granted.

Readers shared my joy and surprise across the various publications that syndicated the Perplexing article. We were giddy, but it was just the beginning of a world series of disappointments, one that went a full seven games.

We faxed, we faxed again. We emailed and did so again another dozen times. Matt gave us five names to contact but not one would reply. We got a phone number for the media relations manager in Seattle, but after three calls, three messages and weeks of politely waiting we still didn’t hear a peep.

This is a joke, right? Who put you goofballs up to this? I don’t know what a leper is but I’m starting to feel like I must be one with how I’m being ignored.

More than eighty games passed since our first request and we were no closer to getting an answer, it became time to take measures more grand. We sent a final request for passes, information or any kind of correspondance. It was sent to the people in Seattle who are in charge of this stuff plus a media relations guy at MLB back East. One last shot to right the wrongs, why not? Again, not one word back. As promised, we didn’t say a single word about it during the season, but fair is fair and this isn’t.

A four-pack of tickets would have shut us up at any point. A simple “Not Available” or even limited passes to the AA Everett Aqua Sox would have silenced us after all this running around. Even a polite letter offering some kind of excuse would have sent us packing. But, after three months and nine direct yet kindly requests we still didn’t even hear a single difinitive answer? Unlike baseball, this is un-American!

You can’t pretend that Mariners passes (nor tickets) were in high demand this past season, and if you do it’s no more than make-believe. What’s so detestable about us that we don’t deserve a peep of honesty towards a reply?

After 100 losses on the season my cat should be able to get press credentials and I don’t even have a cat. Call the bat boy up to pitch, the ball girl up to catch and me to do the play-by-play.

I’ll put my sour grapes to bed. I don’t wish the Mariners any ill will, but if the front office treats media relations like this, maybe it’s a sign of how player trades and fan recognition is handled. Maybe if they spent more time playing games with Anaheim and less time playing games with us they’d actually have time for baseball.

Then again, what do I know?

Seems this is as close to a game as I'm allowed to get. Adults can be really mean sometimes.
Seems this is as close to a game as I’m allowed to get. Adults can be really mean sometimes.