It finally happened, we went to the hospital to go pick up our new brother from that stork guy. Turns out it was just a false alarm, but man was it a five alarm deal or what.
First we had to gather up the usual stuff. My stuff, older brother’s stuff, mom’s stuff and dad’s stuff too. Then we gathered up the other stuff. It was weird stuff, like brand new infant toys and an extra car seat, stuff I haven’t seen in forever. Not sure who the heck all that was for, but we threw it in the car just the same.
We went into the hospital, toddled around all adorable like, met with the nurses and all that crazy stuff, even went up to our own private little rompus-style room. They hooked up all kinds of do-dads and do-moms to check out the baby and see how he was doing. He’s still all aquatic at this point so it isn’t very interesting. Hey who’m I to judge, right?
So we listened to his heartbeat. It sounded good, very strong and even responsive when we talked to him and made noises. What a trooper he is in there despite his terribly cramped living quarters.
At any rate, it turned out to be nothing, so it’s all okay. No baby yet, no new brother, no additional journalist. You can imagine my relief, after all it was late and I really needed to get to beddy-bye.
The good thing that came out of all of it was that Dominic finally managed to pick himself out a middle name. I’m sure Dad’s buddy Chris will be excited to hear it, but baby’s name is rumored to be Dominic Benjamin. That’s got a nice ring to it, don’t it?
The road has been long and loaded with obstacles, but my graduation has finally come. An infant no more, I’m qualified to toddle.
When I first stood on my own I knew I was on my way. As I moved to higher training such as taking a step or a coupla steps there was no turning back, or even any turning at all. I took my final examination earlier this week and today the results came in. I passed with top marks and have graduated to toddler — but you already knew that from the headline.
The test was anything but easy. I had to get up on my own, walk, turn, carry stuff in both hands, interact with my examiners while standing as well as avoiding small obstacles as I walk and talk. I admit I didn’t pass the walking backwards part of the test but my high marks in eat-walking and cupboard/drawer opening (extra credit) more than made up for it.
As with any degree I’m not sure if I’ll ever use any of my infant training in my career even though I was told at the time that it was critical stuff I would have to learn. I haven’t seen a diploma or anything so I don’t think I’ll put it on my resume just yet.
The biggest thing to me will be putting the letters after my name showing I’ve accomplished this level of excellence. You know, like how dentists and attorneys get DDS or Esq. after theirs. I’m not even sure what the letters will be, whether it’s INF or TOD. I really like the sound of Brendan Alexander, Toddler. The girls are really going to go wild, I just know it.
I’m told this toddler training will be more difficult than infant school was. Newborn was a breeze, I got out of that in like two months. I estimate Toddler Training is likely to take me another two to three years until I can pass my kindergarten entrance exam, which we all know is no easy task.
I welcome your congratulations but a graduation present like a new watch or car are not necessarily in order (Dad says). The skills of mischief are reward enough for me.
Those of you who actually read this paper may have noticed an uncharactaristic gap in publication over the last two-plus days. Don’t worry, I can explain.
I blame it all on Dad, which is easy enough. Normally he’s really good about making sure my work gets reviewed, proofread and to press in time. For some unexplainable reason it seems he’s taken up a “day job” of sorts and now he’s working over 55 hours a week. That really cuts into my dad time, you know?
So you’re probably thinking this article doesn’t fit with my usual routine and you’re asking, “where’s the humor in it?” Adjacent to the love I suspect, which I also have been unable to find.
I can’t tell if he even likes this new job, but I’m sure he does. Appartently he does contests where he wins bread but somehow brings home bacon. Isn’t that odd?
Alas, his weekend has begun and we’re getting back to business, though most of that business is hanging out and having fun. Don’t worry, we’re still on our respective jobs.
It’s been many months since we did it but, then again, it’s been a bunch of months since we actually updated these, our Perplexing Times. Good times, of course, but something less good as it pertains to the times of which I just spoke a minute ago, was the thing that about the whole moving situation.
We moved a couple years back, and it’s easily a memory so distant I’m hard pressed to remember, but when we found our new place and committed to moving we were all kinds of excited. Sadly, we had painfully little idea what we had to look forward to.
We got to go check out the new place with the parentals and we loved it well and good enough.
We put in our two cents, so with the three of us boys that was almost a dime and we all said “yes.” Sounds good, but it wasn’t so good as we only later found out.
Anyhow, we did a bunch of moving and before we knew it, we were loaded up from floor to ceiling with boxes. What is in all of these boxes? Are we moving stuff or boxes? I’d have said stuff, had I but known better, and as it turns out it’s just boxes of unknown content.
So we moved and we did it last year, and however old they may now be (as of the time of this writing), these pictures are appropriate. Whatever, as it turns out it doesn’t matter, it’s a matter (for lack of a better explanation, as exhibited in these photos,) you can see we run around on Big Wheel’s like silly no matter how silly it may seem, moving or not, boxes all like crazy or not.