Since shortly after we began we’ve been all sorts of loved here and there, but not many have shared the love as generously as HumorFeed. It’s very likely the very best way ever devised to get all your funny in one stop.
And in case you don’t know what it is, HumorFeed is only the most prestigious satire headline aggregator on the entirety of the web, and there’s a bunch of them out there.*
So there’s two ways I can give it to you here. First off, take a gander at the fancy pants ticker.
Today’s Headline Ticker:
Or if you prefer it more laid back you can just browse on through it.
The World’s Voice of Reason Leo Horoscope – Abseiling Tips
The Chicago Dope Weatherman not Actually Sorry to Interrupt Regularly Scheduled Program
TheSkunk.org Obama Wants Citizens to Print their own Money
We also like them because of their semi-regular feature Check Please!, a publication aimed almost exclusively at satire webmasters.
They’ve been mighty good to us, go check them out.
* Most of whom I’m featured on one way or another, including Mr Satire, My Yahoo and the oddly administered Satire Search.
Forget your thoughts of the Merimac or USS Virginia, we’re in need of an old and otherwise forgotten monitor. Now forget the first generation, sub-aquatic, iron-clad warship joke I just fired off, as it’s likewise a surefire sinker. But seriously, we need a monitor.
Daddy-O’s life-long quest to acquire a new computer* was finally quasi satisfied. His new day job mandates his ability to be upwardly and outwardly mobile with his highest and mightiest technology in tow. As such, that plucky lucky dog was issued a company computer.**
It’s Bell-Grande Supreme for most of his needs, but does ouchy boo-hoo painfully little to sate our unruly household needs and requirements, which are modest to most, but as yet otherwise unfilfilled.
So now the old lappy has been downgraded from its required requirements of running PhotoShop, FTP programs and other web-greedy (read that “resource and capacity greedy”) programs. Now it’s just being used for email, mild and modest web browsing, and as a server of music media designed to placate the mama-lady and make us bitty boys dance up storms… dust devils mostly.
But our monitor is inadequacious and we need the heck out of your help. Do you have an old monitor you’re not using anymore that you could spare for us?
Lappy 2000 can only output 800×600 resolution, so simply EVERY monitor we’ve looked to purchase is ridiculously overpowered and frankly insulted by our nominal needs for it. On the other hand, we’ve got two not-so different 800×600 monitors on hand, both of which have grown blurry, detestable and also not fun to look at.
If you’re reading this and you live in or near Seattle and have an old computer monitor you can spare. It’s the humblest request of the “me” to beg that the “you” write us if you could be troubled to share. We askn’t much and only want a clear readout of what little it is we think we might be seeing.
Even if just for the children, I gotta ask, can you help us? Can you do it for the children?
*Well, it’s been long as my life at least. I’m sure that qualifies as an eternity.
**Issued to him out of necessity in lieu of actually paying him sufficiently to buy his own?***
***Which isn’t cool, I must say, but still far cooler than the alternative.
ABOVE – No matter how much I slap it the darn thing stays broken. That’s wierd, isn’t it?
Maybe two years ago we implemented a new bunch of advertisements in an attempt to transform more of our readers into Johnny Cash money that we could use towards our college fund. Well, time has passed and our philosophy has matured. These days we’re just more interested in reaching out to our readers.
But first you may notice that we’re running three articles today. How exciting, how unique, how very unlike us. Yes it is, we haven’t done it since the Christmas Blowout we did in ’03. Don’t worry*, it’s not going to be a regular thing, it’s that there both kind of non-newsy, not-terribly-funny pieces, and we’re just all about the value around here.
But anyhow, on the actual story of the, well, the actual story.
When we first launched the ads on our ARPANET** site we ran an article explaining why we were running more ads, and as you’ll read there, I can assure you it’s a noble cause all around. The downside was that it really didn’t work. That modest addition, however unobtrusive they were, really didn’t bring us a whole lot more cash.
So we’re giving up this prime real estate without a whole lot of compensation. I may be two years old, but I’m not stupid. Let’s cater to the masses, baby. And, as a baby, I’ll tell you what painfully little I know, the masses don’t like looking at ads all day.
Mind you, much of it was my fault. My dad’s a real whiz at this web stuff, but us kids wouldn’t let him run ads that blink ala the onset of seizure, nor would we allow him to run casino, gambling, tobacco, alcohol nor any other adult-oriented ads, nor links to any adult-themed sites. I don’t just mean the triple-X stuff, I mean the generally acceptable stuff as it pertains to non-kids. Me and the brothers are as intolerant of that as I am to lactose. Yeah, it gives me intestinal trouble and makes me not sleep very well at night, I just won’t tolerate it.
So as of this very second (or first, I’m not sure what a “second” is) we’ve cut the number of ads we show on this site by over 30%. By default we’ll sacrifice our revenue stream by 30%, but that’s okay. If you don’t know, I’ll tell you, so here’s why:
Our ads are already so restrictive that it don’t so much matter if we lose 30% of nothing, it’s still nothing lost.
More than one of our readers have complained that there are too many ads, and as such we have to react. After all, we do read your emails and we do care what they say.
Even if the site brought in zero dollars, which it just about does, we’d still publish the same sweet suite of super sincere articles on a nearly daily basis, so why fuss over the pennies?
The extra ads looked ugly, and me and my administrative staff don’t dig ugly one bit.
Most importantly because I said so. So if you like our site and want to support us, just use the button atop each page and contribute to us directly. At the pace we’re going we hope to continue the periodic deletion of ads. We’ve got a book coming out soon, a store we’re hoping to implement in the next month, and most importantly, we’ll do this come hell or high-water pants.
Our revised promise is this: You just keep reading it and we’ll just keep writing it… even if you do go south on your end of the pre-sweetened deal.
And while I got you here I gotta ask, should we trim the ads back even further? I mean, heck, we can if you guys would prefer it.
* When I say don’t worry it’s not aimed at you readers, it’s aimed at my poor parents who invariably pick up all my slack around here.
** ARPANET is what us long-timer web veterans call it.
Shucks, wow, like cool and stuff, this gi-normous wooden temple is something at which to be marveled. It’s not so much that it’s huge, which it is to me, nor that it’s impressive, which again it is to me, but that it serves no reasonable purpose whatsoever, what-the-heck ever it may be.
Did I say “gi-normous”? Oh yes I sure did. And why? Because it’s just that big, you see. It’s big, bigger, and by my estimation even an ounce slightly bigger than that. It’s a big, wooden thingy-do temple of sorts, but that’s scant the point of my gist, but my gist (I’ll assure you) is forthcoming.
LEFT – Nothing too exciting, just a handsome shot of me sitting on a bench in a park. More specifically right across from the tall wooden towery thingy. If you like this shot as much as my dad does, you can click here to see the big picture. Not like the metaphorical “big picture”, just the bigger version of this one.
But now, having jotted my notes, started my article and taken a good 2-weeks to think about it, I’ve still got nothing.
Maybe it’s because I’m in just so much awe that I’m dumbfounded. Not just dumb, but truly dumbfounded. Maybe it’s more than that, maybe it’s that I am so busy observing and deconstructing its archetypal architectural brilliance.
Man, I just can’t stretch this one out at all, can I?
So with its exhibition of new highs in construction and my own exhibition of new lows in journalistic lacklustery, I’ll sign off. Not that I want to, I could go on like this for days (years even, I’ve verily made a career out of it) but today my benevolence outweighs it… so there you go, here I go, and I’ll now let you go.