Ah yes, I may have sunk a hole-in-some-number, and I am happy from it. |
As a man of miniature stature myself, I'm always on the lookout for new things more me-sized than medium. Mostly my size-based pursuits lead to nothing (thanks a lot, jumbo shrimp!) but there is one thing sized to pint that's true to its name, and it is miniature golf. I discovered it, and I immediately learned to love it.
I've been burned on so-called miniatures before.
I saw a miniature dog once on some poorly shot reality show, but my hopes for a greater (or lesser?) world were quickly dashed when I learned that its master, a man named Paris Hilton, was actually a Tokyo-stomping mega monster. I get the joke, the dog is also huge but looks small by comparison, right? Nice joke. Mutt ain't as impressive based on comparative size.
Miniature golf, however, really delivers on its namesake.
LEFT: Hazards in golf abound, such as those of the water variety. Aparrently there's more about golf, even mini-golf, to beg your danger, and that's to say nothing of the high blood pressure and cursing. If you find yourself thusly afflicted, might I suggest cheating? They don't let you score with a pencil for nothing, I'm just saying.
A traditional golf drive is somewhere in the hundreds of yards. Miniature golf drives, even with the best mediocre coordination I can muster, is only in the range of many feet
that's miniature all right.
Even the clubs fit me well, so it's a pretty slick scale-down anyhow you measure the madness.
RIGHT: While I'll admit I'm no expert at golf, miniature or otherwise, I do know that the easiest hole-in-one is had when you just drop the ball straight in the hole from an extremely close overhead distance... which I did. Very rewarding.
And it is madness, because sometimes I just swing away, and you best have taken shelter by the time I do it.
So I'm not sure if I discovered it or invented it, but in either case I first learned of it on our last mega tour of Montana. We played this scaled-down grand game at two great places. We played it at Qwivals Family Fun Park and Geyser Park. In both cases it was fun, and sufficiently bite-sized for my missing teeth to sink their gums into.
Here are the most fun and exciting aspects of miniature golf:
1 Old People try to keep score, but it's no use and there's no point.
2 You're encouraged to hit a ball with a stick, and there are essentially no rules.
3 No matter how good you do, you're allowed a do-over, you know, just for fun.
4 Running off, though discouraged, is largely permitted.
5 Water hazards, though hazardous, are wicked fun for jumping into.
6 Balls are color coded for each player, so feel free to smack any ball of any color near any hole (yours or an adjacent one with another family) at any time, indiscriminately.
7 Since the bathroom really only exists outside of the whole mini-golf experience, use the supposed need to augment your handicap and gain a good 3-30 strokes should you find yourself down.
8 Only tee off from the designated pad, or anywhere else you like, even if it's within inches of the hole.
9 Feel free to lay down on the green when it feels right for you.
10 Waiting for your turn is for sissies and amateurs, so just run rampant, swing free and smack balls as you feel you must. Same is true for balls of "golf" or "dad" varieties.
11 If the hole appears too challenging to play, it's all right to just drop your ball in the hole by hand (as pictured.)
12 Just like with regular golf, always keep score with a pencil, so changes to the score can be made at will to reflect a more appropriate standing, based at least on your ability to master "eraser" technology.
13 Assume your antics led you to a victory and that no one can take it away from you.
Golf is a game best enjoyed, so if you have to play it by stricter rules, then do as you must. I insist it gets no better than the way I play, by my rules, but it's ultimately up to you.
ABOVE: Proper form in golfing is a science as yet undiscovered to applied physicists and mini-golf hobbiests alike, so when it comes to a putt, just do what feels right. For us it's holding the putt-stick all wrong and bonking it whatever way happens to happen. It's not very effective, but it's the best method we got so far.
ABOVE: Sometimes balls get hung up, or at least take a good half-dozen seconds to appear again on the flip-side of the place from which they come... Best advice says don't bother waiting, but lay your eye down in the direct path of the ball so that, when it finally does appear, you'll see it first, even if by doing so you damage your own noggin, as I might have... can't say for sure, what on account of my own noggin damage, but I think purple dishwasher monkey postal fliers... wait, what?
ABOVE: This was shot at a different golf course on a different month, but you can see that even the cranial damage I suffered on the first go-round didn't dare deter me from making the same mistake yet again.
ABOVE: Here you can see my anticipation as I literally will that ball to fulfill it's desitny, give up already, and just sink itself into that hole, even though my 9" putt is somehow plainly undeserving of such a gratifying fate. Oh golf, when will you ever cease to be so wicked?
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