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Retraction: Man Not Ready for Bed
Posted by Brendan on Saturday, April 10 @ 01:00:00 PDT
As a respected journalist in a world of ever-diminishing standards of professional integrity it is now my responsibility to amend and retract an earlier story reported erroneously.
Last week I reported on the incredible growing man being ready for bed. At the time of reporting two leading experts within the household were quoted as saying that he was in fact ready. As it turns out they were only experts in being wrong. Based on their defective testimony, I wrote a fine but completely defective article.
Apparently the "bed" idea was more of a trial than a transition. The trial has now concluded and the verdict is: guilty. During the test period a number of problems surfaced.
Head Trauma. Unlike a crib, the bed affords greater opportunity to thrash about in a manner that can be harmful. When I see an opportunity I seize it, in this case unfortunately.
Unchecked Gravity. Whether intentional or not, those in beds have greater access to the floor via gravity acceleration. Usually it's fine but sometimes it's no good. I'm trying to learn to jump on the bed but without a total surrounding of tall bars it's a nasty spill waiting to happen, then to happen again and again.
Nocturnal Wanderings. To the chagrin of my attendants, me going to bed is no longer the final word, nor do I require assistance to get up in the morning. It's no surprise to find me playing with a spatula in the living room ten minutes after being tucked in. Likewise at three in the darkness I may be found wandering around the bathroom trying to unplug the nightlight.
While all these factors were considered prior to the "to-bed" move, it seems they weren't fully thought through -- not unlike my writing that first article on such baseless testimony. Perhaps another day of trial is in order, but the question of readiness has been asked and answered. The official answer was "Nuh-uh."
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