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Half Suspect Santa Maybe Not Real
Posted by Brendan on Tuesday, December 20 @ 23:00:00 PST
Hang tight a tick, you ain`t no Santa man... but then who are you? |
It’s not like me to stare a gift horse in the mouth nor stare a charty mau in the mouth, but when we had our school’s Christmas party and thusly a chance to meet (arguably) the biggest celebrity in the history of our people, it was all kinds of grand. Still, something within and without me alike insists that as much as this so called “Santa” fellow may embody celebrated reality, he may not be all he’s cracked up to be.
I’ve met celebrities from Frosty to the Bluest of Clusery, yet none were so ballyhood as this Santa, and none so much as this particular Santa on this particular date… It’s almost as if he’s someone more than Santa, and that this is somehow something more than a day of standard Christmas joy.
I’d like to say I know the hows and whys behind it, but I don’t. I’d also like to say I get why the joke is truly on me, but likewise, I don’t, and I think that's probably okay. I've still got my joy here and I can't take that away from myself. Well, I won't at least.
What I would like to offer is this -- Santa, don’t be mad -- my doubt is not to discredit you nor your absurd claims of ability to bring toys to goodly Christian girls and boys on the night of Christmas Eve, nor any doubt to your other-worldly magnanimoushood… It ain’t that by a darned sight, it’s more my doubt of this kind, tall, athletic guy who came to my school under the pretense that he’s you.
(Here's the portraits we got.)
(click any one to see it in its full, glorious size)
But I’ve got to say, I’m not sure I’m buying it…. I mean, I’m sure this guy is nice and all, but “Santa?” I’m ain't convinced he’s all that.
As any journalist knows, when we accost someone (anyone, but most specifically a person or corporation with the funds behind him or “it” as debatably as unlimited as “Santa” we risk alienation in our reporting. Still I have to say right here and now, I’m not entirely convinced this guy is Santa, no matter how old, respectable and parentally respected he may be.
But if you are Santa, I beg you see this article as no more than critical questioning (and I’ll welcome your journalistic Payola if you offer it.) I’m not trying to discredit you or anything. You are already canonized (aren’t you Saint Nick?) I’m just trying to discredit your detractors and imposters. Don’t be mad, Santa, I’m on your side, really I am.
Oh, and if you’re not Santa that’s your problem. I write these bits for the majority, but if the one person (in the minority) who reads it is in the party of power, well, consider me as greedy a turncoat as you’d surely be. (Come on man, don’t pretend you wouldn’t be, I mean, for real, Santa might be reading this!)
And if you aren't Santa, you've got bigger problems to deal with than this article. Something tells me you'll be on the naughty list for a very long time.
Reasons why I suspect our Santa du jour wasn’t the real thing:
 Throwing out signs
This alleged Santa kept “throwing out signs” like he was a baseball catcher or something. It would be one thing if we were here to scout out some baseball star (in preschool? Hey, they take sign 'em younger every year) but this is a Saint Nick meet & greet. Why would he do finger signs like a catcher?
RIGHT - Even if he isn't a major league, all-star, golden glove, olympic gold medalist, future hall of fame ballplayer, there's always value to be had in teaching toddlers the signs in baseball, right? One finger means a fastball, but what's this "three" business all about? Three fastballs? Befuddling.
Parents a little too excited
I mean, what's that all about? Who is this guy if he's bigger than Santa? What, has he hit walk-off home runs? Has he grand-salami'd in a pinch? Has he stolen home on a wild pitch? Has he thrown out a million players trying to steal second? Not if he's Santa Claus he hasn't.
Parents wanted pictures too.
It’s one thing when us kids want our pictures taken with the Jolly red giant, I mean, come on, he’s the biggest celebrity we know, but the fact that the grown-ups wanted their mugs clicky-snapped too was a bit odd. Something not quite “Santa” about it, if you know what I mean?
ABOVE - My Dad's never asked Santa for a pose in my lifetime, so what's this all about? Is he just clowning around or am I missing something much more deep here?
Santa was autographing baseballs
I’ve seen the ho-ho chuckling philanthropist a handful of times in my life, but this is a new one on me. I’ve seen him drink milk, eat cookies, tote a fat sack of toys, even whip a half dozen bucks, but putting his John Handcock on a baseball? It’s just out of place for a reindeer riding man of the north pole, don’t you think?
ABOVE - Though the parents found it totally normal, the kids thought it at least a little strange that Santa was signing baseballs on this big day... You know, the day when he was being all "Santa" and stuff.
Looks suspiciously similar to former Seattle Mariners catcher Dan Wilson
I’m a pretty big fan of the game, baseball, so when I see a world-series ring wearing, all-star, gold medalist, I almost always take notice. If it was such a person, I didn't, but that's not the point. I know, I know, you say I can only see him from brow to snout, and that’s true, but if he’s a catcher, that’s all you'll ever get to see on him, and something looked suspiciously "Dan (the man) Wilson" about him.
ABOVE - I'm looking at the similarities, both in stance and in nose-to-eyebrow facia-lookiness... I have serious doubts this is really Santa Claus, and less doubt he's a former big-leaguer trying on a new trade.
No wait, I've got it figured out. This guy isn't Santa at all, he's a helper Santa. You know, like those skinny Korean teenagers at the mall dressed up in red and white and the photo booth. Nope, I've got it. Yep, Santa is real, this just ain't him. This is a public relations kind of Santa helper.
 LEFT - Okay, maybe it was just me shining up my brass danglies, but I got over my transient shyness and went right up to Santa and told him I wanted another toy... Look on with envy if you must, but see that I got what I wanted and walked right on away... Santa you say, I think it's just a dude in a suit.
Oh man, I feel so much better now knowing that my doubts were founded. I didn't want to question the big guy, you know, the one who brings toys to good little girls and boys.
Well, whomever you are kindly man in a suit most red, I thank you from the depths of my heart for your time, and strangely, somehow, so do the parents. Not just mine, but of all these kids... wierd, isn't it?
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