All posts by Brendan

Older Chicks Have Hypnotizing Mammaries

It’s true. I may have mentioned before that girls my age do nothing for me, but now it comes to greater light. Them’s mammaries is just hypnotizing! Just the other day I was hanging out with this lady friend, (friend of the family really,) and I just could not help myself!

At one point she caught me staring and made a comment about it, so of course I looked her square in the eye and smiled sheepishly, but it must have only lasted maybe three seconds or so before, unexplainably, I was just sucked back into an entranced affixation with her chest.

Don’t think I’m being rude, it’s really quite a compliment. Truly, if I may say so, I’m something of well versed critic in the female form. If I’m caught in the headlights, it’s a testament to your natural talents, since I’m really not easily impressed.

Gerber Invents Food Not Requiring a Nipple

Of all the crazy things I’ve seen in my life, this has to pretty much take the cake. My whole life I’ve been tried to “drink this” or “drink that”, but now, Gerber, one of the leaders in food technology has really outdone themselves.

Bottle varieties have a few categories. Milky, juicy and bland. With these amazing new “nipple-free” products, the varieties are far more. In broad categories alone there is grey-mush, beige-mush, tart-mush, huh?-mush and which-end-mush.

And that’s not even getting into the texture!

To their discredit, they haven’t quite figured out yet how to make it easy to eat, as it tends to run down the consumers face. Nor have they figured a means of dispensation to rival the nipple. But my hat and booties are off to you, good folks. For all your fine work.

Typing Mystery Unraveled

By Brendan Alexander, investigative reporter

In answer to the perpetual question of how it is that I may run my own news site, allow me to share my findings on the matter of computer keyboards as they relate to data entry.

After a lifetime of studying the computer keyboard in every detail, I have finally comprised a list of the many uses, as well as the highest and best use:

  1. They taste a bit stale,
  2. They are difficult at best, to put in ones mouth
  3. The make clicky noises when slapped,
  4. Pressed in the right order, it can also be used for data entry.

These facts alone should suffice the naysayers to understand how it is that I am now capable of running my own news site.

The “why” of it all, is still a mystery, perhaps even to me.

Review; Teething Jelly Makes Bwuh Mugga Phwuh

So I’m sitting there, just minding my own business, experiencing a bit of discomfort in the gum region. My mom, who still lives at home by the way, decides to take matters into her own hands with this clever little ploy of hers… she grabs of tube of who-knows-what.

Lady actually has the nerve to stick that finger IN MY MOUTH. I’m like, “excuse me? Can I help you?” But I don’t get to say that. Why not? I’ll clue you in. Because the next words to come out of my mouth sounded like a dying imu. Honestly, I had no clue who was making those bizarre and wretched sounds. I wasn’t even sure I was moving my lips, and within seconds, I wasn’t sure the southern hemisphere of my face was even still attached!

Okay, I have to ask. What the hell is in this stuff? One minute I’m expression frustration because of sore gums, (perhaps that gingivitis I’ve heard so much about,) next thing I know I can’t taste a thing, I’m slobbering down the front of myself, and no one can understand a word I’m drooling… So again I have to ask, what the hell is this stuff?

Additional Limbs Discovered

I was delighted this morning to find that, in addition to the two appendages I’d already located and employed, there were at least one, though perhaps as many as five new appendages.

Well, well, well, what have we HERE?
Well, well, well, what have we HERE?

The two previously acknowledged appendages have been of tremendous importance for pro-wiggling, thrashing, and for largelings to hold on to. Also, they ain’t half bad for the chewing either, though if it’s going to be flesh, I’d just as soon it be someone else’s.

The previous two were easily discovered, being located about each shoulder and waggling clearly in my line of view from time to time. The confirmed “new limbs” hereafter referred to as “legs” are far lower on the body, and for some unknown reason, like prehensile qualities. That is to say, though I can hold my bottle with my hands, my feet just lack the ability to cooperate.

The limbs are described as bowed, pudgy towards the top, inarticulate, and quite pale. As soon as more is known on this story, we’ll bring it to you live.

Review: Natural vs. Formula

While both products are a common staple among eightlings, it seems  1st articlefurther that there is a glaring lack of firsthand accounts of preference. Our research has indicated that this is largely due to the ongoing age discrimination suffered at the hand of 1/1th sized humans, but that is another matter for another time.

Formula is consistently nutritious, just like mom used to make.  Now, don’t take me wrong, I do value the family aspect of being close to my mother during meals, but for a snack on the go, the bottle just can’t be beat.

Formula:  On the downside…

  • At times the temperature of formula varies, which confuses me. I’m like, “Whoa! Where’s the fire, mama?” or conversely, “If it’s this cold in here, shouldn’t this nipple be a little stiffer?”
  • Like a goldfish, it’s so tasty that I can, on occasion and also like a goldfish, eat myself ad regurgitum.
  • Sometimes the elders space out and use too much or too little water.  As such, it feels like I’ve been switched to skim milk, or conversely like someone is trying to cause me terminal constipation with a saucer of heavy cream… In either case, what gives?

Natural milk is a real treat. God knows what I should be eating, so clearly mother’s milk is where it’s at, but…

Natural:  On the downside…

  • Flavor varies to the point I’m like, “Um… garlic much?” or “Lordy woman, did someone make a run for the border?”
  • When mama skimps on the nutrients, I’m stuck skimping on the nutrients. I’m like, “Great, what is this, a boob full of sweat? Could really use some vitamins and carbs in here you know.”
  • When it comes to saving leftovers, it’s a total disaster. Let’s just say the average home doesn’t have the proper equipment to pasteurize or homogenize a mug of mama-moo. Best to toss it. If you can’t keep up your lactation schedule, consider switching to formula. After all, it ain’t fine cheese you’re makin’ there, mama. And formula is still, after all, “formulated”.

All in all, I’m not too worried about the wild fluctuations in my diet. Sure, in the end there’s some gassy discomfort, but ultimately it’s my staff that has to change my diapers, so it’s them I pity.

What The Hell Is All This Noise About?

So just because today is July 4th, 2003, doesn’t mean you damn people are somehow entitled to wake me from my nap every five seconds with your popping and your booming.  You’ve got your pretty lights and colors, your crackles and your ooh-aahery, but people hear me when I tell you that I must rest.

story10 Hell is Noise
Fireworks can be seen sparkling in my blurry eyes

Perhaps I’m naïve. Yes, I’ve only enjoyed six months on this earth and I don’t know persecution, but I do believe I know as well as anyone why freedom and independence should be celebrated. You’d have to be far dumber than me to not get it. Can’t freedom also be about getting some sleep?

But can I at least get some sleep now?