Category Archives: Everything Else

Typing Mystery Unraveled

By Brendan Alexander, investigative reporter

In answer to the perpetual question of how it is that I may run my own news site, allow me to share my findings on the matter of computer keyboards as they relate to data entry.

After a lifetime of studying the computer keyboard in every detail, I have finally comprised a list of the many uses, as well as the highest and best use:

  1. They taste a bit stale,
  2. They are difficult at best, to put in ones mouth
  3. The make clicky noises when slapped,
  4. Pressed in the right order, it can also be used for data entry.

These facts alone should suffice the naysayers to understand how it is that I am now capable of running my own news site.

The “why” of it all, is still a mystery, perhaps even to me.

Review; Teething Jelly Makes Bwuh Mugga Phwuh

So I’m sitting there, just minding my own business, experiencing a bit of discomfort in the gum region. My mom, who still lives at home by the way, decides to take matters into her own hands with this clever little ploy of hers… she grabs of tube of who-knows-what.

Lady actually has the nerve to stick that finger IN MY MOUTH. I’m like, “excuse me? Can I help you?” But I don’t get to say that. Why not? I’ll clue you in. Because the next words to come out of my mouth sounded like a dying imu. Honestly, I had no clue who was making those bizarre and wretched sounds. I wasn’t even sure I was moving my lips, and within seconds, I wasn’t sure the southern hemisphere of my face was even still attached!

Okay, I have to ask. What the hell is in this stuff? One minute I’m expression frustration because of sore gums, (perhaps that gingivitis I’ve heard so much about,) next thing I know I can’t taste a thing, I’m slobbering down the front of myself, and no one can understand a word I’m drooling… So again I have to ask, what the hell is this stuff?

Additional Limbs Discovered

I was delighted this morning to find that, in addition to the two appendages I’d already located and employed, there were at least one, though perhaps as many as five new appendages.

Well, well, well, what have we HERE?
Well, well, well, what have we HERE?

The two previously acknowledged appendages have been of tremendous importance for pro-wiggling, thrashing, and for largelings to hold on to. Also, they ain’t half bad for the chewing either, though if it’s going to be flesh, I’d just as soon it be someone else’s.

The previous two were easily discovered, being located about each shoulder and waggling clearly in my line of view from time to time. The confirmed “new limbs” hereafter referred to as “legs” are far lower on the body, and for some unknown reason, like prehensile qualities. That is to say, though I can hold my bottle with my hands, my feet just lack the ability to cooperate.

The limbs are described as bowed, pudgy towards the top, inarticulate, and quite pale. As soon as more is known on this story, we’ll bring it to you live.