For weeks now someone has been going through the kitchen stealing food and leaving behind a mischievous mess. This isn't just disorganized, but outright vandalized. This Perplexing Times exclusive takes you inside the Caper's Caper.
No one would come forward to confess throughout the investigation. This required much more thorough detective work which fortunately has ended in apprehending the culprit mid-perpetration.
There were five key suspects to watch:
Mama, who had admittedly very little motive since it's her food and she did most of the clean up. That wouldn't make much sense, so she was pretty much ruled out.
Daddy-o, also an unlikely candidate for the same reason, though he could have done it in order to cause the extra work for Mama. His alibi checked out, though, since he was nowhere in the area at the time of the alleged crimes.
Brother Patrick was a prime suspect since he has a long rap sheet of crimes just like this. His motive was foggy, but his means and lack of alibi made him look mighty guilty. He didn't crack during the interrogation though, so he was eventually cleared.
Me AKA Brendan, AKA Baby B, AKA Mr. Giggles. Well clearly I didn't do it. I'm too little and weak, right? Of course I have a motive and no, I don't have an alibi, but that doesn't make me guilty. Innocent until proven otherwise. Can I point out my height again?
Baby X is who I had pegged as the vandal. We don't know this kid at all, never even seen his face. And yet, he's living here under the same roof. He doesn't eat dinner with us so he could be hungry enough to steal. Until I'm shown I'm wrong, I'm saying that Mama's onboard munchkin did it. She contends he can't sneak out of the womb undetected -- unlike a marsupial -- but I think he can, and I think he did so on numerous occasions.
I've had the unique opportunity to interview the alleged criminal, and been given permission to quote comments on the condition of anonymity. As he explains, "items stolen from the fridge are only stuff I'm not allowed to have, like straight coffee creamer, straight guacamole, straight balogna and straight salsa. I'm not a criminal; I was just trying to meet the needs in my life that I am forbidden. Everyone deserves a fistful of salsa," I said -- I mean, he said.
Vandalism has included leaving kitchen utensils on the floor, such as the potato masher, wire whisk, salad tongs, and a few others that "make good noises." Also, very suspiciously, all of the original artwork featured for display on the refrigerator gallery was torn down and defaced, but only under the 36" mark. There's a clue in there somewhere, I suspect.
Further, aluminum foil (aluminium, for our English readers) was repeatedly removed from the drawer and crumpled up into useless balls. Who would commit such an act? What goes on in the mind of such a person? Rest assured, you may never know.
With Salsa-gate winding to a close, the suspect, whose name has not yet been released, is being held under house arrest with constant supervision until he can meet with his own attorney and "really Cochran his way out of it." If convicted, he will face up to ten years supervision, as required by State law. At this point, he will be tried as a minor.
Me AKA Brendan, AKA Baby B, AKA Mr. Giggles. Well clearly I didn't do it. I'm too little and weak, right? Of course I have a motive and no, I don't have an alibi, but that doesn't make me guilty. Innocent until proven otherwise. Can I point out my height again?
Baby X is who I had pegged as the vandal. We don't know this kid at all, never even seen his face. And yet, he's living here under the same roof. He doesn't eat dinner with us so he could be hungry enough to steal. Until I'm shown I'm wrong, I'm saying that Mama's onboard munchkin did it. She contends he can't sneak out of the 
Vandalism has included leaving kitchen utensils on the floor, such as the potato masher, wire whisk, salad tongs, and a few others that "make good noises." Also, very suspiciously, all of the original 
With Salsa-gate winding to a close, the suspect, whose name has not yet been released, is being held under