On the evening of December 24th one Kris Kringle was reported missing from his room at the Midvale Convalescent home in the 2400 block of W. Valley Rd.
Once in public, he began a spree of terror on unsuspecting nice children the world over.
According to orderlies attending the elderly man, he had stopped taking his medication, which was designed to repress his schizophrenia and delusions of grandeur. He reportedly believes it is his sole duty to hold the world's littl'ins hostage to trade reprieve and toys for cookies and milk.
That same evening, during a get-together with family members, the elderly bearded man dressed in a huge red outfit made an appearance before yours truly. He smelled of spirited egg nog and proclaimed some business about "ho ho ho."
While the adults were all able to remain calm, the smaller folks were quickly drawn in by his allure. He seemed to know everyone by name and tried tempting us with gifts. Brother graciously accepted, but I exercised far more caution.
The disorderly old man, claiming to have some kind of wildlife up on the roof, enticed me to take the gift, which I did reluctantly. Upon recieving it, the catch became apparent... he wished a photograph with me.
He took me up in his giant red arms and asked me if I'd been nice this year and I simply lost my composure. His beard was larger than me, his eyebrows looked like a pair of frosted rats and his belly moved not unlike a bowl full of jelly.
I cried out to handlers to rescue me, fearing his wrath would soon be upon me and I'd be kidnapped until the authorities could finally get him back in a straightjacket. My photographer, Daddy-O, swooped in and fought him back with careful might.
Once freed from his clutches he announced he had many more children to visit and bolted for the door. I tried to call 911 but was too terrified to speak.
Once he had gone, I slowly opened the present. It was a squeezy truck that makes motor noises. Very cool indeed. Who was this man? Why had he given me this gift? Aren't there medications that prevent this sort of wonton terror? These questions may never be answered, but for now, I just hope his horrible spree of child frightenings will come to an end. This guy is scary alright, and I don't wish him upon any more children.
